well, ok. I'm 28 now.

I think I had a really good 28th birthday.
With some major ups and downs. But I still think it might have actually been the best birthday in years. I definitely have really amazing and lovely and fabulous friends who know how to have a good party. and give good presents. sarah and the fuck bag! thanks guys.
And I had a couple of life milestones pass, and figured some things out, too. So ok. Not bad.

my birthday morning

I just woke up on my 28th birthday...woke up to a picture message from my sister, and I woke up under my lovely new pink quilt and both of those things cheered me...
as did last night at the strip club with katie and ali and walley and sarah and monica. I love that group of people. especially katie and ali for saving in the tunnel bar when I started to cry randomly (Birthday tears, I guess they are inevitable)
and for starting our own party on the steps until I recovered. and matt dineen! for randomly being there at the tunnel bar!
and rapping to jay-z with ali in the car on the way to anthonys!
So I think I feel good about it being my birthday. I'm sitting in my underwear listening to the mix I made myself for my birthday and playing around on the internet. I am not going to work. I do not care that my presents from my mom were lame and the rest of my family seems set on ignoring my birthday.
I'm gonna go get mochas with ali. katie is going to let me drag her to savers because she's nice that way. then I'm gonna come home and make a huge platter of sushi for my party. then there will be a party. I haven't had a party since I was 19, and that was pretty out of hand, but I'm going to be optimistic.
And, for the rest of the day, I'm gonna ignore anyone who is making me feel sad right now. And I need new underwear and earrings. It isn't a birthday without those things.

pirate queen

Sometimes I need to remember that who I am is a big trashy girl with dyed blonde hair, pink cowboy boots, and a leopard print britney spears jacket who drinks too much and rocks out with the black mascara better than anyone. And fuck anyone who doesn't like it. Even when I'm still in the breakroom at work trying not to cry and fuck up my eye makeup, I'll keep being bouncy and outrageous. So there.

feet full of glass. yay.

so tonight after I got home I finally got around to emptying that box that burns mailed me last week. So much broken glass. It's almost all glassware, and half of it completely smashed. why why why did she packed all that stuff up, take it with her, then mail it back haphazardly so it's broken? I didn't ask for it. And where the fuck is my silverware, if she mailing things back and all.
So that was a fun box of broken glass. And being me, I dumped it all over the kitchen, and now I have feet full of glass. yay.
I don't know. I was already in a weird mood. Probably that's why I dealt with the box tonight, even though I didn't get home from work until after 11:30, and I managed to get pulled over for speeding on king street on my way home too.
I feel like a need to deal with things. Like there are both literal and figurative objects in corners that need to be taken care off. Damn it, I need to sit down and pay bills too.
Why oh why can't I focus?

thanks

I am so happy that this is now and not last year. What a horrible birthday 27 was. fighting in the street in providence.
Let's all take a moment and appreciate life changes.
thanks whole foods for bringing a lot of lovely people into my life whom I now couldn't live without. thanks burns for finally leaving. thanks ali for putting up with my nonesense all summer and still always being my sister. thanks katie for plates, silverware, and table tennis and so much more, wow. thanks sarah for being lovely and always wearing the same outfit as me. thanks victoria for bailing me out of jail at five in the morning. thanks walley for being my favorite fellow supervisor, thanks rin for being adorable. thanks erin for moving in with me even though I am a giant slob and am crazy. thanks jeff for feeding me and reminding me how good it is to take care of myself physically. thank you all art night people for making me feel cool and arty and like I am creating my own social scene. thanks forbes library in northampton for lending me the magnetc fields 69 love songs which I listen to everyday. and thanks everyone else I love, I don't know how I got on this train of thought. ok I'll stop, I think the bleach fumes from my hair are getting to me...but I do feel really really grateful right now. and thanks to me for not going nuts and for surviving over just a riduiculous glorious painful reawkening nuts awe-inspiring crazy year.

my tattoo rocks, I'm happy

I'm just taking a moment to appreciate my lovely new anchor tattoo, and to celebrate my own personal ritual where at pivital times in my life I go off by myself and get a tattoo on a whim. It's been a while since I did this, but I feel like this experience lived up the other two nicely.
And I went to work immeadiately afterwards, wearing a bandage and no bra,
and took the bandage off and cleaned it in the work bathroom,
And ali said I was dead sexy and a pin up girl, and heather said I was bad ass, and I think someone might have said it was hot. which is all kind of how I want to feel right now.
I'm trying to be in my full on lady pirate mode. It's who I need to be right this minute. so I got an achor tattoo over my right breast, over my heart. It pretty much is dead sexy, too.
And I feel sexy lately too, due to a complicated combination of factors.
So now I'm home from work and it was a lovely drive in the fog and I'm bleaching more blonde into my hair and cooking rainbow chard and drinking red wine and listening to music and I really feel pretty good. Good start to my birthday week.
Don't know why I'm so addicted to this blog thing, but I do feel like paying attention to details, so maybe that's it.

strangely happy

I've had a very lovely day of very cinematic experiences. I keep feeling like a character in a film, having some classic, essential experience. Also I feel like I've gone a full range from teenager to glamour girl through the course of the day, to back in my own bedroom.
I've bought a lot of vegetables, I bought a lot of books, I bought a lot of makeup, I bought glue sticks and a black marker, I took a nap on a dock by a lake in the sun, I walked in the woods, I had a cookie for breakfast, I had fancy cocktails on a porch in the dark, I spent a lot of time in the sun, I wore high heels and bright red lipstick...and I had a lot of good conversation too. And good food. And I feel really alive and energtic and interested in words and images and people.
And in my life. I feel really interested in my life, and it's fall and the air feels so good to me and pretty good in my body right now, and even sexy in a way.
This is really cheesy, I know. But I really do feel oddly content right now, even though there's no real reason why I should be.
I'm sure by tomorrow my emotional rollercoaster will take me someplace else, but right now, I'm ok.
And I like writing this blog. Gives me something to do to indulge my verbal side besides identical surveys.

Weirdness

For the second time this week, in just a couple days actually, waking up early on a mattress on the floor to drive from amherst to northampton to shower and then back to hadley to work, all before 9:30, driving in my truck,
on a really really lovely september morning (september already-I'll be 28 in less then two weeks)
in my cowboy boots and sunglasses and trench coat, listening to jenny lewis really loudly and trying to figure out myself and why people react to me the way they do,
and I come home this morning (and I never came home from work last night) to both $100 from my mom out of the blue that I really need, which she can't really afford, so there's relief and guilt there, and a really large box from my ex-wife of a lot of the stuff she took in july that I have been ranting about missing all summer. Is that closure?
On top of a night last night of some really hardcore talking and thinking and exploring about and of sex and friendship and different forms of love, it seems odd to get the rest of me back from my first love, just this morning.
I'm spending a lot of time driving in my car back and forth on rte 9, listening to music (a lot of magnetic fields, jenny lewis, & death cab for cutie) with the windows open, feeling the fall air, feeling cinematic, like I am a character in something.
And now should shower or I will be late for work...time to get back in the car in the other direction...at least the bathroom's clean, thanks to erin & friend.