Tuesday, January 27, 2009

more thoughts on trainwrecks...

Britney...she's like an old school glamorous celebrity, not in talent, but in capacity for trainwreck...tragedy...disaster...like judy garland or elizabeth taylor...the glamour in tragedy.
That's key as to why we keep looking at britney. It's almost impossible for human beings to look away from tragedy, especially a poetic tragedy all done up in glitter.
Girls crying with their eyemakeup running, stockings torn...it's classic.
If only a national tabloid had been there that night of the whole foods store party to find me crying on the stairs.

Monday, January 26, 2009

Old School Surveyness...(afterall I wrote this one)

Since I am actually the author of this survey, and it makes my last totally insane post not the first one, here you go...

1. Three things you did today that you liked?
Took a beautiful walk at dusk, filled out that 25 questions thing on facebook and then wrote in my blog, did yoga and listened to music.

2. Three things you did today that you didn’t like?
That phone conversation, that coffee conversation, applying for jobs that I don’t want, essentially the things involving other people were bad and the things alone were good. Except beth and I had some awesome facebook comment conversation that warmed my heart.

3. What are you wearing?
Pink pj bottoms with horse silhouettes, white wife beater, ancient vintage brown hooded sweater with giant holes, braids.

4. What was your last meal?
Homemade by me last summer frozen spicy cilantro pesto with 365 butternut squash ravioli.

5. What did you wish it was?
That was pretty good, but maybe ideally it would have been a totally indulgent steak and potatoes and wine dinner with someone cute.

6. Five objects on/in your:
a. kitchen table: ceramic bird, dried pink tea roses, two plants, pair of black fingerless gloves reading “rise up with fists!!!”, my large sketchbook and various collage materials
bedside table: tiny plastic jesus and virgin mary figurines (mary glows in the dark), pile of books, pile of new yorker magazines, can of polar seltzer (pomegranate flavor), stone from cape cod reading “hope” from mum and barb’s wedding
fridge: chocolate bacon, cheap white wine, various chutneys and curry pastes, honey roasted peanut butter, coffee syrup (for coffee milk like in rhode island)

7. Reading/listening to/watching in the last three hours:
Reading: Stupid novel about maine I bought at the salvation army here in Greenfield for 75 cents, because I keep wanting to move to maine, listening: the mountain goats sunset tree, watching: mostly the laptop screen and dustyrose act like an idiot attacking things no one else can see.

8. You get inspired to leave right this minute on a road trip, from which you may never plan to return, what do you throw in the car:
Sketchbook, some magazines and old books for collage, glue, the laptop, my best cowboy boots and my motorcycle boots, my roughly three or five or eight favorite dresses, lots of tights and socks, an assortment of books I love pulled off the shelf at random, a couple of my precious objects (i.e. shot glasses, ceramic animals, toys) to remember who I was, dustyrose and all her favorite toys and feathers, lots of scarves and fingerless gloves, my Cusinart, a handful of shells, my tarot cards, whatever photos I can grab quickly.

9. Who did you talk to or text or see today (not including people who were at your work)
Saw Danielle, texted Beth, spoke to someone I really didn’t want to, some other internet communication.

10. Describe your environment right now (sight/sound/smell/light/taste):
Beautiful golden light I created here with lamps and objects, still listening to the Mountain Goats, always vaguely smells like garlic and butter and curry here.

11. What is that environment lacking?
Not that much. On some days I would say company, but right now I’m good solo. I stress, right now. Ask me in an hour.

12. Where are you going next?
No idea. Austin? Back to New Orleans? Nowhere? Onto a fishing boat?

13. A recent dream?
The Martha Stewart one where I had to wear a short skirt in order to work for her at a job involving cookie eating was awesome. I also recently dreamed I found really nice rug. It was blue, very blue. Seems random, but I remembered it very clearly and it was a happy dream. I’m still having reacquiring nightmares at the moment, I don’t want to talk about those.

14. First thing you do when waking up?
Right now, I panic, then calm down, go make tea, email friends for a while in order to feel human. Then do yoga.

15. Best very recent memory:
Diane’s party last Friday.

16. What do you want to learn to do right away?
Cook professionally. Learn knife skills.

17. Favorite things from all five senses:
Sight: sunset
Smell: butter, onion, and garlic
Taste: kissing
Feel: yarn of good quality while crocheting
Sound: country music

18. What do you want in life right now?
Less uncertainty. Less distrust. More love and openness.

19. If you want to talk to someone, do you call or text?
I text. Because I’m shy. And awkward on the phone, although lately I’ve been improving.

20. Would you rather have the love of your life last forever, or lots of important and meaningful relationships?

Trainwreck (me & britney spears & courtney love)

Just a few random thoughts...lately a various assortment of sort of shitty things have happened to me (and oh believe me I fully realize that these are not shitty things on a truly horrible scale, I know that I am not dying or sick and not starving and not living in a war zone or a natural disaster, I know, I know, and I am incredibly grateful for all those things, I am I am I am)...but I still have experienced what one could call some sort of trauma, and the way people are now treating me is, um, interesting? weird? hurtful? funny?
(this going to all tie back into britney, don't worry)
(also this won't make a huge amount of sense, overall, so if you are looking for cohesion, stop reading)
But I made a terrible romantic decision and that caused me to lose my job, and before that he hurt me really badly both emotionally and physically, and since about mid-november I've been in a kind of downward spiral, way before I lost my job this happened, and that led to some other insane behavior and lots out of control drunken reckless behavior...
Hi britney! Hi courtney love! yes! trainwreck city!
I think it's true, no matter who you are, you get your heart broken publicly, it hurts the same way, and people treat you the same way, like it's catching, and just because someone fucked you over real real real bad, and you have the emotional awareness to be feeling it, then there is something wrong with you.
"just get over it", they say. "move on." and I know that to be true. but I'm not there yet.
For me, the fact that I get up and get dressed everyday, keep my house clean, feed the cat, feed myself, apply for jobs, paint some, write about art, all these things are a major victory. A lot of me just wants to lie in bed and cry.
But I get accused of dwelling in the past. I guess I am. But that was such a major betrayal. The whole thing, the violence, the betrayal, the effect it's had on my life, I'm not ready to move on. I can't yet.
I can't. I'm trying. I'm trying so hard...to let go of the anger, the hurt, oh I know these are unproductive emotions, I want then gone, I do I do.
But I still don't sleep. I still am having panic attacks. I still go over it in my head constantly. I still wake up so sad every single day. I never ever want to get out of bed in the morning. I'm trying but I don't. I'm still grateful for everything I have, but that doesn't mean I feel ok.
Ok, this is the bad part, here goes:
ok, bad part over. But for everyone who keeps asking, this is where the Britney thing comes from, people watching while you go from everything to nothing, and both judging and enjoying it at the same time.
I know people are backing away from me in that "oh no trainwreck" kind of way.
Look how courtney love has been treated for more than ten years now, because maybe you act crazy when someone you love even tries to kill themselves. I've been there. And people want you to act normal. But nothing is anymore.
Falling apart publicly...it's interesting.
Driving to work the day I was suspended totally unexpectedly, I was listening to the new britney album, and really liking "circus" a lot, and already thinking about changing my facebook status to "all eyes on me in the center of the ring just like a circus." and then I was interviewed about my emotions and my sex life and then suspended, and I did change it to that, but then it was so much more funny and sad and ironic.
My final point: women should be allowed to be outrageous and hot and crazy and emotional and feel pain and act out without being raked over coals like this. Only girls ever seem to be left crying alone on the stairs and photographed at their worst and mocked and judged by everyone.
From the Mountain Goats, "I am going to make it through this year if it kills me."
I'm just really wounded right now. I'm doing what I can. That's all.

Deliciously Random

25 Random Things About Me...since I bothered to write this out for facebook, I'm putting it here too. So there.

1. Some things I do every single day: Pick a tarot card, do an increasing number of situps (currently 65-70 per day), about ten minutes of yoga, listen to music, feed dustyrose, read something, paste/draw/write in my sketchbook, waste time on facebook, walk somewhere, use lipgloss, drink wine/coffee.

2. I eat sriracha hot sauce with a spoon. Frequently.

3. My favorite cities so far are San Francisco, New Orleans, and Las Vegas. But I’m currently very interested in Austin.

4. I can’t decide if in life I am too cautious or too reckless.

5. Frequently if I am alone in my apartment I am wearing only a wife beater and pj bottoms or just underwear.

6. I use vintage cloth napkins even when I am eating by myself. And my wedding china. Even if I’m justing sitting on the floor eating and watching tv.

7. I never ever paint my fingernails but I like my toenails to be red.

8. I consider the basic essentials in my fridge to be butter, 1/2 & 1/2, curry paste, cheese, mayonnaise, peanut butter, and white wine, and in my pantry to be garlic, chickpeas, whiskey, rice, udon noodles, olive oil, hot sauce, soy sauce and honey.

9. I’m unreasonably fond of hot chocolate, and I think whipped cream is good to an unearthly degree.

10. I’d rather eat broccoli sauted with garlic and olive oil than candy anytime.

11. My two favorite songs at the moment are “Jaded Lover” by Papa M and “Stoned” by Old 97’s. Lately I'm feeling very country/rockabilly.

12. I’m a sucker for all that cheesy stuff like people who open car doors and being met with flowers. Or living plants. Being greeted with the gift of a plant is even better.

13. I would generally rather someone bring me something random and cool from a thrift store as a present like a ceramic bird than something expensive.

14. I know I should eat breakfast but I never do unless I’m being taken out, in which I love it.

15. I’m addicted to print magazines, especially food magazines, and currently subscribe to Martha Stewart Living, Cosmo, The New Yorker, and Saveur, and am dying to get both Bon Appetit and Gourmet, even though I know it’s all a huge waste of paper. And I usually buy a couple of weekly tabloids too. And glossy porn. I’ve always wanted someone to buy me a subscription to Hustler and to US Weekly but it hasn’t happened yet.

16. I communicate better in writing than in person but I’ve been getting better at people recently.

17. I’m very very shy but sometimes it doesn’t seem that way. Like when I’m making a giant spectacle of myself on the dance floor for instance. All part of being shy though.

18. I talk to my plants all the time, and I get really sad when plants die, and at the end of the summer when I have to dig up the garden.

19. My ideal romantic evening is cooking someone I have a crush on a really elaborate and delicious dinner in my apartment, getting drunk with them and listening to music, showing them random stuff around the room that matters to me and telling them the story, and ending up cuddling on the floor on my giant floor cushions.

20. I care enormously about the aesthetic of my personal space…I’ve heard my apartment is like an art installation.

21. I’ve been trying to watch the first season of Lost on dvd from netflix since before Christmas, but I keep falling asleep while watching it and waking up all confused on my living room floor in the middle of the night. It’s not that I don’t like it, or that I’m bored…but I just fall asleep.

22. My facebook status is usually song lyrics. Or at least I prefer it to be.

23. I am not particularly materialistic in terms of value, but I love objects, and have an incredible amount of them in my apartment.

24. I have a wild streak, and have really done some crazy reckless drunk and disorderly things in my time. If offered another cocktail, I almost always say yes.

25. I trust my cat more than anyone else right now, and I”m ok with that.

26. I’m copying beth and doing 26. Hahaha facebook rebels! I think about taking off in my car on a crazy road trip at least several times a day every day.

Thursday, January 22, 2009

heart broken, shattered, still cooking

All week I've been seriously freaking out about work and money and life and what on earth am I going to do. Right now things are getting really scary.
Emotionally as well as financially.
I can't sleep. I keep doing all these crazy things and taking these stupid risks just for the chance at sleep. Any distraction, any person, any body, just for some sleep.
This morning, I woke up with someone in my bed who I really wasn't sure if I wanted to be there, and got up by myself to clean up the aftermath of the night before and drink tea alone and sit at my computer at the kitchen table, where I ended up just torturing myself on the internet about that boy who recently broke my heart and got me fired, you know that one.
That made me really sad, and made me realize that I miss him really badly, so I was dealing with that, but...
Then eventually the guy from my bed (and I like this guy sincerely, I really do, but I don't know what is going on and I think I let him push me around too much because I'm so disconnected and frozen and shattered right now...that's a whole other post though) left my bed and my apartment, and right on cue a registered letter arrived from whole foods denying my appeal of my termination, which states as part of their evidence for why they should have fired me the fact that the boy gave them all of our emails back and forth for our whole relationships. And it does state officially that his roommate and my former friend made the complaint about me, and that is really the reason why now I'm totally broke and scared and freaking out. I kept trying to blame myself and give them the benefit of the doubt, but I guess I was wrong.
oh god he gave them our letters.
This official letter from whole foods actually states something about how on september 18, 2008, we know you were in "insert his name here"'s bedroom because of a facebook message to that effect.
That's the correct date too, of the first time we slept together, which makes me so so so so mad...no way whole foods should know that.
That came from a message he wrote, that first morning, that was so beautiful, and even post breakup, was something I treasured. Breakups are one thing, but now he's taken our love letters away from me.
I remember, it ended with, "you are beautiful like nothing else" and it gave me chills at the time. He said his bed smelled like me, and he was invigorated by that.
I wouldn't write about this here, ever, except he's ruined it all anyway.
I can just see those whole foods executive people reading those messages and it makes me want to crawl out of my skin.
I can't even speak.
One of the ways they say I lied was that they asked me in the investigation how I felt about the breakup and I said well you know, I'm getting over it, like you would say to anyone you didn't want to cry to, and they pointed out a facebook message I wrote him right after we broke up in which I said I was upset as PROOF that I lied.
How was I supposed to answer that question officially? How do I feel about the breakup? I don't know. I think what I actually said was that it wasn't the worst breakup I'd ever had, so I would live.
That is very very very true. Maybe they don't know how bad things can get. Probably they don't, because they don't even seem to be human. But once you've seen someone you love's blood all over the walls...well....even though I ended up getting fired, this still wasn't the worst breakup I've ever had.
Fuck fuck fuck you whole foods, for firing people for being humans and having feelings.
The letter from whole foods goes on for six pages of this stuff.
I can't even understand how it's possible to live with so much anger.,
And then I talked to my dad and he said my mom is mad at me because she still blames me for the whole thing simply for trusting that boy at all, my bad judgment=my fault, as if women don't date men who beat them and hurt them all the time, and I guess she read on facebook or this blog or somewhere that I went to vermont and that hot tub and thinks I'm spending money like crazy. Although vermont cost me nothing and I even got two free meals out of it. I am allowed to have friends, just because I'm unemployed am I supposed to turn down invitations that are fun if they cost no money?
All this makes me want to sit on the floor under a blanket forever.
oh god god I need a job right now. right this minute.
What kills me so much about this situation was right before that asshole had to sell me out, I was the most totally self sufficient I've ever been in the 30 years of my life...totally single, making a good salary, paying for everything myself. And he took that for no reason.
In order to cope I had to make myself a really nice dinner of scallops and cream and noodles (frozen scallops from trader joes I already had since I am still really freaked out about money) and exactly $4 of very well chosen vegetables from the co-op. Shallots, crimini mushrooms, baby bok choi, fingerling potatoes I already had, garlic, butter, white wine.
Every time that guy spends the night I feel like I have to reclaim the apartment, it smells like him, and objects are displaced and everything is chaos.
So I've been fixing it all night. And cooking helps. The smelling wrong thing bothers me the most.
The positive things about today (because I swear that I am going to remember the positive): my sweet kitten, who every time he sleeps in my bed also sleeps very close to me to look out for me (she usually sleeps in my bed, but when he's there she really makes sure she's close), that fact that when I finally escaped that house to take a walk, the sun came out it it was relatively warm (36! felt warm! that's how you know it's january in massachusetts), diane and david being there for me this afternoon, making a really satisfying mix tape, talking to my dad and having him be there for me and not judge, looking forward to learning to embroider with beth and sarah tomorrow, my lovely apartment that I am trying to hold on to despite being broke, wendy mailing me a king cake from new orleans, loving myself and my cat and my home and trying to fight to survive.

Thursday, January 15, 2009

my (late) new years resolution

Yesterday I was talking over hot chocolates with some of my very dear friends about our new years' resolutions, and I realized that I hadn't made one yet...mostly because my life fell apart pretty much on December 30th. I guess at that moment I was resolving to continue on, that was all.
I did end up having a pretty special and wonderful and unexpected new years eve though.
Lots of unexpected delights have turned up here and there in my life lately...gorgeous early morning drives by myself through mountains, chocolate bacon and homemade toast with breakfast, trips to taco bell for ridiculous amounts of food, gifts of music I love love love and never heard through email, again, the hot tub in the snow, the way people happen to surprise you, support you, stick up for you, feed you, love you...
so my resolution, 2009:
to stop self editing. to be me around people, and not who they want (or I think they want) me to be. to remember that I am beautiful, and not be surprised when people tell me so.
To be open. To not let recent disasters and betrayals totally destroy my trust in people. To remember that there's a lot out there and that I enjoy my own company when I'm being myself and other people should too. To keep living for pleasure and enjoying delicious things and beautiful walks and all manner of sensual delights.

Sunday, January 11, 2009

why britney? (Most of life is unsettling and I think it's comforting to see that reflected in art)

(some thoughts on art to make up for all the recent drivel about boys)
Most of life is unsettling and I think it's comforting to see that reflected in art.
This has something to do with britney spears, and with tabloid headlines. What I like about tabloid headlines (reminds me that I need to go check out this week's headlines) is that they are expressing these huge raw human truths in these giant yellow letters. "IM SORRY" "HUMILIATING BETRAYAL" etc and usually you can find some expression of some drama going on in your personal life expressed in some magazine in the grocery aisle. like just after my most recent break up I found "HOW COULD YOU" and more recently "THE FEUD GETS WORSE" (haha who's that refer to?).
using britney specifically first of all ties all this in to one story which I think sets some boundaries first of all, because I'm working within the confines of actual events in the life of britney spears, and also provides some visual continuity, rather than if I was using every possible celebrity drama.
Britney Spears, too, more than anyone else, obviously symbolized "the raw messy details" which is the theme of my current work.
Before all the bad stuff even started happening to her, britney was over the top and unreal in a way that other celebrities just are not.
I find visually the progression from the lolita/candy imagery of her earlier career to now with the crisis/mental illness headlines to contain a lot of moments that are really relateable to being a human being, but done in this over the top ultra theatrical kind of way.
I think mental illness and breakdowns and heartache and tears are the things that people like to keep under wraps and not bring out into the open, and in britney case they are being shoved under a giant stoplight.
the headline glued into the front of my current sketchbook reads "from breakdown to center stage"
I think that's such a great sentence, thanks people magazine or whatever.
All the work I've done with britney genuinely makes people uncomfortable, and it's not actually that easy to make people uncomfortable with visual artwork, especially if you're not using really violent or sexual imagery (which I also do but I'm trying not to overdo it).

Flirting with food

I've found in my recent adventures with internet dating, the only thing I can honest flirt about is food. The only time I can feel genuinely sexy when chatting on the internet is if I'm describing how and what I might cook for someone if I had them there in person.
I'm surprisingly addicted to this internet thing. Talking to people who DO NOT AND NEVER HAVE WORKED AT WHOLE FOODS is like a drug, I love it.
I had a surprisingly pleasant phone conversation last night with someone who offered to come over and let me cook for them while it snowed, and I said no (I cannot do the sex with total strangers more than once a week I think)
But I made myself a nice dinner with music and wine at midnight during the snowstorm.

oh no! more stupid dating stuff

Here's an interesting dilemma, why do I now feel rejected by random internet guy who imed me at 4am last night to say he's sorry but he doesn't really want to be committed to me?
like I want to magically be committed to random internet guy? Like oh god, what would be scarier than suddenly finding myself committed to this guy I met online who I don't know at all?
Why on earth would that hurt my feelings? I spent most of the first day he was here wondering when exactly he was going to leave. I HATE HATE HATE the subconscious girl part of my brain that gets attached to people if I sleep with them even if the point of sleeping with them was to sleep with someone I'm not attached to.
I got really mad at him for assuming that I even wanted to date him, but of course if it made me sad then he was right, which makes me even more annoyed.

(I promise I'll write a post about art (or at least about buffy) sometime soon as a break from all this stupid relationship nonsense. I think I was a lot more interesting when I was just in a longterm relationship and didn't have to think about this stuff so much).

adventures in bad decision making and/or stepping outside of my comfort zone

This week, tuesday night I think, I joined an online dating site totally against my better judgment out of a combination of curiosity and a genuine interest in finding some people somewhere on earth who do not and never have worked at whole foods, and do not know nor have slept with any of my friends. I made a profile and someone emailed me right away, and I messaged him back, but then got distracted by something else I was doing, and and let that conversation trail off.
On wednesday night what I was planning on doing didn't work out, (it's a bit of another story, but I was doing tuesday night and what I meant to be doing wednesday night-I'll try to get back to that at the end) so I emailed the guy from the previous night out of boredom and frustration with something else who decided after iming for about five minutes that he wanted to drive to my house from two hours away at 2am, which for some reason (I'm going to stop right that now-please feel free to insert "for some reason" in any part of the story as you see fit, my reasoning here is frequently unclear, even to me) I agreed to, then he stayed at my apartment through the next afternoon at which point I agreed to go to northern vermont to the top of a mountain with a complete stranger (bad decision making) and we did go to vermont to his friends' cabin (which in reality was this giant insane house in some ski resort for the ultra rich) and then I came home on friday and somehow managed to not be kidnapped or murdered.
(high point of the whole experience: outdoor hot tub at midnight in the snow)
(I texted two friends on the way to vermont and they were both like "why. are. you. doing. that. what. is. wrong. with. you.)
So it all worked out fine, except
1. I don't normally spent 36 hours with someone I'll probably never see again, and I don't necessarily want to see this person again, but it's not how my heart operates so I feel strange about it.
2. The entire time I felt like I was in a movie, and was playing a part, and I was definitely self editing and not being myself.
3. I just feel kind of depressed about the whole thing....one one hand I was trying to step outside of my comfort zone and take chances, but on the other hand, it made me tired, a bit, and I cannot say enough times how I was not being myself.
Most of the 36 hours this was going on I felt pretty neutral about the random internet guy himself, like I wasn't sure if I thought he was cute, or if we had enough in common, and I was pretty ok with him leaving at anytime, but I thought the experience itself was good for me, because I was spending time with someone new and it was distracting me from some other stuff I'd been worrying about, and vermont really was fun, and was an experience that I wouldn't have got to have otherwise
(standing in the snow in my underwear completely warm with my hair frozen and steam blowing everywhere)
but I was still kind of distanced the whole time but then when he left I felt sad.
But do I really want that guy back, or was it just the company I liked?
(the other thing, that I was doing tuesday and wanted to do wednesday, is this whole other story that involves these semi-romantic letters with this old friend. How I feel about those letters is a whole other complication in my heart.)
Another good thing about the whole experience: at one point (actually in the hot tub in the snow which would be a good scene if my life were indeed a movie) internet guy said, "you're very beautiful and you're smart and funny, and you don't put yourself out there as if you know this at all."
True. Something to think about.

Saturday, January 10, 2009

hopeless romanticism brought to you by the snowstorm

I've been thinking about dating, about people, about relationships, and how sometimes I don't want to be alone and I wonder if my standards are too high, but then why can't I expect to be with someone whose just perfect?
Is perfect too much to ask?
Or should I just accept "well this is ok."
In the past couple of years, starting from "well this is ok," was pleasant but not mindblowing, at least not in the beginning, but then led to a lovely two year relationship and we are still friends.
Then I had something that did seem perfect and mindblowing, and we dated for like a month, had a horrible horrible messy heart breaking breakup and he got me fired and we'll probably never speak again.
So maybe I should be looking for people who AREN'T like me?
What do I mean by "like me"?
just how some with people you get this "this person is like me" feeling...it's both a visual and an emotional feeling, like you feel like the person would just fit into your life without any effort, not like they were exactly the same person and they couldn't bring anything to you, but like if you saw them in your room it would make sense and you knew you could play music and they'd probably like it and you could recommend books for them and it would probably work out and you wouldn't worry too much before cooking them dinner or suggesting an activity for the first time.
Someone who in your minds eye just "looks right," and that has nothing to do with attractiveness.
I can't explain it anymore than that.
I want to be open to people and not just hung up on this idea in my head, but on the other hand, I when I feel like I'm compromising I get bored and frustrated and spend my life daydreaming in my head.
I was feeling all of those "soulmate?" type feelings about my most recent completely horrible dating situation, and it just ended so so so badly that I really don't know what to think.
There's some other stuff going on to that I'll get to in the next post that's also part of the reason I'm thinking all this stuff.
I'm snowed in with a fresh french press of coffee, so what better time to contemplate these questions...plus being snowed in reminds me that I'd rather be snowed in with that person whose "just right."
I know, I know, I should go buy a copy of glamour or something. I'm sure there is a trashy women's magazine out there that can solve this problem for me.
(apologies for this "single girl" post-I'll get back less sex and the city content shortly, it's just been a weird couple of days, weeks, months, etc.)

Friday, January 9, 2009

more on my endlessly fascinating buffy analogy...

I just took an internet buffy personality quiz and it turns out that I am glory! Glory!
Now I have to go rethink everything...
(the internet has done a lot for me lately)

Monday, January 5, 2009

being new age & trying to be positive

I was just walking around thinking about stuff (I think best in motion) and I was making this list in my head of all the things which are good and make me happy right now...I think maybe I'm being unnecessarily negative about this situation, it was only a job, it wasn't me, and the people who hurt me are people that I didn't even know a year ago, so they turned out to be assholes, who are they to me really?
Definitely life could be worse. This is not all misery. I think if I can manage to step back from this situation, I see a lot of good things in this particular period of my life, although it is a difficult one.
Anyway, here's my list: this is what makes me happy right now:
Writing letters, my apartment, especially when I first walk in the door after being away all day, all my lovely plants, writing in my journal, gluing things into my journal, doing yoga in my room in the morning, my nautical bathroom, reading books, venturing out in the freezing cold and finding a hot chocolate and a cookie somewhere delicious, cooking myself little meals in my delightful kitchen, dustyrose, late night walks under the moon, scarves, gloves, hats, mittens, socks, and tights, my several pairs of awesome boots, really hot showers, my friends here whom I haven't distanced myself from, spending time with new people and rediscovering old ones because I have distanced myself from so many, painting, listening to the itunes shuffle and dancing alone, laying on the floor on a cushion and reading my subscriptions to food magazines, driving around and listening to music, udon noodles, wearing cute outfits even though I have nowhere to really go, toast, all my stuff that I've collected, being open to lots of possibilities and an unknown future, eating breakfast sandwiches and people watching, coffee, tea, wine, and beer, appreciating good lighting and beautiful sunsets, being on a difficult path and accepting it, reading tarot cards, being scared but no longer feeling trapped, realizing that I have successfully lived alone for three months for the first time since I was 18, and now I'm doing it with no job too, chickpea curries and sandwiches with hot sauce, reminding myself that "unemployed artist" is a way cooler occupation then "whole foods assistant customer service team leader," being a fulltime rock star rather than rock star/grocery clerk, being forced into a lot of solitude and liking myself better mostly for it, crocheting, taking a lot of stupid self portraits with my borrowed camera, poetry, conceiving of art exhibits, and certain unexpected friendships.

Sunday, January 4, 2009

Is this possible?

Have I mentioned? That whole foods broke my heart way worse than a person ever could? wtf?

When I was Fired From Whole Foods For Totally Sketchy Reasons

Oh, whole foods.
In 3 1/2 years I've never had a single warning. I was a customer service assistant team leader, had just had an excellent job dialogue with no complaints, then two days before christmas I was pulled off the floor, interviewed by the store team leader and a regional person for almost two hours exclusively about my personal life, then suspended for seven days without pay, then fired. This is what is says on my separation agreement:"Liz was not truthful and forthcoming during the course of an investigation which is in violation of our team member investigation policy." That's all it says. I'm ineligible for rehire ever, due to "major policy infraction."
However, it is "against whole foods policy" to tell me what I was being investigated for, or to tell me what they think I lied about. And my team leader was never informed, questioned, and she still doesn't know why they fired me.
The way I was fired was completely psychologically messed up and hurtful...
Seriously what the fuck is up with firing people over christmas and new years, it's like they want to kill santa claus...
...you don't really understand corporate america until you've been personally "investigated" by whole foods. that's some fucked up shit.
"oh you were in a car accident, was it on purpose for attention? oh, when he broke up with you, that must have made you upset. surely if you were experiencing physical violence in your personal life, that must have affected your job performances. "
I am not kidding.
The back story. I was an assistant team leader in customer service. Back in october I was dating one of my cashiers.
So with this person, there had been months of us denying that we liked each other. to ourselves, even.
We met when I came back to work after my long workers comp injury period november 07- february 08 (yes I also have a permanent physical injury from the company that fired me, and I signed a paper saying I'd never sue over the injury in order to keep my job).
I had a boyfriend of two years at the time who I lived with. And I was his boss. We both denied this like crazy, it was all flirty facebook comments like crazy and staring at each other at work. We both apparently constantly denied to our friends that we liked the other person. I did, and I've heard he did the same, "of course I don't like liz, you're crazy...she's my boss and has a boyfriend but isn't she great?"
Then we started hanging out outside of work as friends. JUST FRIENDS, that whole denial thing, but we believed it at the time.
While I was still luiving with my boyfriend.
Then we started talking how we maybe had feelings for each other.
But neither of us wanted to do the work secretive thing.
Then there was some ambiguous shit, like sleeping in the same bed but not having sex and creating all these stupid piontless boundaries...we can make out, but not do this, etc.
then he looked for and found, a job in a different department, which is all whole foods requires in these situations.
then we broke up. unfortunately he also had this totally weird intense relationship with his best friend and roommate which complicated everything.
She and I were really good friends, and I really trusted her. She worked just under me in my department and became a supervisor with my help while he and I were dating. and when we broke up she turned on me, and told him I was going to get her fired because he and I had broken up, which is entirely untrue because I really really valued her friendship, and in a lot of ways the way she was acting hurt me more than the way he was, because when you get romantic with someone, you are signing yourself up for some degree of eventual heartache, but you want your friends to just support you, no matter what.
(and in retrospect, when he and we dating we were always all astonished by how similar we were, but she and were equally alike, and I don't know, it was fucked up situation).
No one's fault, necessarily, but it was really like I was dating them both.
One of them complained about me, I don't know which one, and as I've said whole foods refused to tell me, but my interview during the investigation included a lot of personal stuff that only he could have told them, and a lot of questions about my relationship with her.
And I was questioned a lot about a particular incident with her where she accused me of trying to get her fired at work, and which another employee witnessed, and they refused to interview that employee, even though my team leader told them they really needed to.
At the end of this I know nothing.
Other than after three an a half years I lost my job that I had really worked for and put my whole soul into totally out of the blue.
But my heart is broken, by everyone.
Hopefully having written this out helps me in some way.
I don't know, I was suspended on december 23rd and fired on december 3oth, and I still can't stop crying.

pop culture reference sunday!

I was recently fired from my job of three and a half years under totally ridiculous circumstances, and I haven't written about it much because I'm still in total shock and distress,
(whole foods related post traumatic stress disorder) but I did realize something totally hilarious today.
I was fired under very confusing circumstances, but it seems like two people I know, one my exboyfriend and one his best friend and roommate and formerly my very good friend, were at least on some level responsible.
I'm not blaming people. I wasn't really told why I was fired. But I've heard the rumors. And these people don't seem to want to deny them. I wish they would. It would be easier to be betrayed by a horrible corporation than by two of my best friends.
Very long story that should go in a separate post.
It's complicated because it's just a huge awkward mess involving lots of people who are friends, or sleeping together, and lots of drama and hating and ridiculousness.
However, especially since I don't think very many of my real life friends know about this blog, and I'm fairly sure none of the people involved do, this is actually a good forum to discuss it.
Anyway. Back to our original subject:
I realized at a moment of pure pop culture brilliance that the girl who may or may not have gotten me fired is exactly the character faith from buffy the vampire slayer. Because she does a lot of really bad shit and must be stopped from hurting people, but is still a sympathetic character because she's so crazy and fucked up that you can see how she has no choice but to do these things. She's evil in a sexy awesome kind of way, but you still know that buffy has to eventually stop her, even though she kind of understands her.
And I'm am buffy in the sense that obviously I make terrible relationship decisions (exboyfriend choosing to get me fired). But look at buffy...angel, riley, spike...
And the exboyfriend is angel after he lost his soul. Because he turned into a totally different person out of the blue, and went from someone I felt like I'd always want in my life on some level to someone who would get me fired out of spite.
Ok, I know this whole post is lame. I've had a rough week, and figuring out that buffy analogy really cheered me up.
Isn't that the point of having blog though, that I can share these totally pointless yet amusing to me observations?