Wednesday, December 31, 2008

new years eve #1

It's new years eve 2008. Since I turned 30 in september I've lost first one boyfriend and then after, then my job after three and a half years, and now it looks like a lot friends on top of it, and I've moved to a new city away from northampton where I'd lived for five years and felt really comfortable.
So I'm opting to spend new years this year by myself in my little apartment.
There's been too many major betrayals recently, my foundation is shattered and I just can't see even trying to be around people right now.
It's been over 24 hours since I've been able to speak without starting to cry about, so it doesn't even make sense.
I guess it's sad in a way, but I just took this long walk by myself in the freezing cold and wind and ice and snow, in the dark, and walking by myself in the dark kind of crying quietly and looking up at the very faint crescent moon through the seemed like one of the most honest new years eve's I've had in a while.

Saturday, December 6, 2008

Recipe: dinner to impress boyfriends

some not too nice cut of steak, like new york strip
1 bottle of the cheapest red wine
2 cloves of minced garlic
1 cup chopped shallots
1 stick of butter
salt & pepper
fresh parsley

In a large skillet, cook shallots, garlic and parsley over med-high heat for about five minutes, add steak, cook another five minutes, add red wine, turn heat brief up to high, then simmer for about 20 minutes. Salt and pepper to taste. Remove steaks, reduce the rest of the liquid for sauce.

1lb banana fingerling potatoes
1 cup gruyere
1 cup parmesan
1 stick of butter
1 clove garlic
1 cup 1/2 and 1/2
lots of salt and pepper

Boil potatoes. Drain. Mash with everything else, skins on.

Plate everything. Pour sauce from steak over both steak and potatoes. Serve with really good hot bread and butter.

It comes across kind of impressive, but it's easy, and not too expensive, because the slow cooking wine makes cheaper cuts of meat taste awesome.

Roasted brussel sprouts are good as a side with this.

honesty, and britney, and why things fail

Why is this so difficult, like in my last brief dating situation, there was so much talk of how similar we were, everything was based on that, but I wasn't dealing with any of the things I was hiding about me, even to myself when this was going on, like, I buy a huge amount of celebrity gossip magazines, that's what my work is about, so it's important, I really listening to britney spears albums, really, and britney has a lot to do with my multi-year underlying art project, so she can't be ignored with me, and I really like vegetables, and I don't even like donuts, but I do like going to the mall, and I like a lot of weird trashy crap as much as I like my more hipster acceptable neat vintage accessories, and I'm in general not the specialized version of myself I was trying to be. All the things I was presenting are true, but they are just a part of the whole, not the compete picture.
So I should have known something was wrong, the first time I want to buy a gossip magazine to cut up, and didn't, because I thought he wouldn't like it, even though he wasn't even there.
I'm not all cute 50's dresses, and bakelite silverware.

Recipe: Liz's signature chickpea curry

My oldest recipe:

2 cans of chickpeas
1 tbs garam masala
3 tbs mardas curry powder
1ps tumeric, coriander, cayenne, cumin
salt and pepper
1 large onion, chopped
4 to 5 cloves garlic, chopped finely
2 serrano peppers, chopped
1 bag baby spinach
about 4 cups 1/2 and 1/2
several tbs olive oil and butter

optional: frozen peas, potatoes.

Saute onion, garlic, and peppers in large pot with a lid, for five to ten minutes, on medium heat. Add all spices and stir throughly, cook for another minute. Make sure the mixture isn't too dry, if it is, add slightly more olive oil. Add chickpeas, combine throughly. Start adding spinach in bunches. Keep stirring. Once all the spinach has been added, and has wilted, add 1/2 and 1/2, if you want there to be a lot of sauce for bread dipping, add more. Turn heat up to high, bring to a very quick boil, turn heat down to low and simmer uncovered, for half an hour until as long as you want until you're ready to eat.
If adding peas or potatoes, do so after spinach, before 1/2 and 1/2. If adding potatoes, simmer uncovered at least an hour.
Serve over rice, with bread.

Recipe: sort of southern style beans & rice

I was recently thinking that everything I cook lately comes from my own invented recipe, and that maybe I should write this stuff down. What better place than this blog? I ask you.

sort of southern style beans & rice

1 onion, preferably vidalia
several cloves of garlic, to taste
2 jalapeno peppers
1 bunch collard greens
a couple of tbs each butter and olive oil
2 sausages, preferable andouille
1/2 package of frozen okra
several carrots
salt and pepper
white rice (I like jasmine or basmati)
several shots of whiskey, should be bourbon
splash of sriracha hot sauce
1 can of beans, I like black eyed peas the best, but pinto beans or kidney beans work too.

Saute chopped onion and garlic and peppers in butter and oil for about five minutes in a large pot with a lid.
Add carrots and collards, chopped, cook a while more, on medium heat.
Then add chopped sausage and about 1/2 a package of frozen okra.
Add whiskey to personal preference
and salt, pepper, and hot sauce to taste also.
cook on medium-high for another five to ten minutes, stirring occasionally.
Add can of beans, stir more, cook covered on low heat for about an hour.
Serve over white rice. Hopefully with rin's cheese straws.

things about a saturday

I've lived in this apartment and in this town for more than three months now (so scary, to think that this weird messed up transitional period of my life has been going on for months now...I can't believe that I'm been putting up with living like this for so long).
I realized that I have yet to spent an entire day here in greenfield where I don't use my car and I just stay here in town. I'm always driving off to northampton to meet people, or going to the store on my day off to shop, or driving to savers, or something, I think it says something about my general frenetic energy level, that I haven't been able to find the piece of mind to stop moving long enough to just spend a relaxing day off at home.
I slept terribly late, which was needed, it's been one of those weeks where every single morning I have so much wanted to stay under the covers longer then I've been allowed to. I got up around noon, made really delicious coffee from the rest of my Chocolate Sparrow coffee from when I was on the cape last week for thanksgiving, and wrote a letter to a friend about poetry sitting at the kitchen table.
One thing about being alone more lately, is that I actually get to do this like sit around in my pajamas and write long letters about poetry.
Because I get to stay up late reading poetry, which I did last night.
I took a long walk around town in the particularly wintery sun light, which I enjoyed visually despite a certain bleak aspect to it. I generally do really hate winter and the cold, but there is something about walking around on these late winter afternoons that does please me. There's a quality of the light that is very particular to winter, a paleness, and then the sunset colours are very specific shades of pale pink and peach.
I walked to the salvation army, and found an astonishingly wonderful cookbook from the 50's,"The Master Chef's Outdoor Grill Cookbook" that actually makes me want to jump for joy, the pictures are so great, these incredible technicolour pictures of all these wacky 50's people grilling and doing outdoorsy stuff. I'd like to just save it, but another part of me feels like it's way way way too good not to cut up.
I just walked to the Green Fields Market and am now in such a warm and fuzzy mood, because that was such a lovely food purchasing experience, sort of the opposite of the soulless grocery store experience, and you know, I have lots of reason to think about the soulless grocery experience.
I like walking to the store in the freezing night with my little reusable bag, and buying things like beautiful multicoloured carrots, and collards and andouille sausage, and eggs with of picture of the chicken they came from on them. And I bought wine from my local liquor store, and a pound of coffee beans from my neighborhood place.
It was nice just for once, to not spend any money in any huge chains, especially not the one where I am employed. I mean, not to be hypocritical, because my money comes from that store, and I am paid reasonably, but still it was nice to take day off from putting my money back in, and nice to feel like I was getting to have a charming local experience.
I'm drinking hot chocolate from mapeline farms chocolate milk, and I'm about to make black eyed peas with sausage and collards and carrots, in a whiskey sauce.
And drink some wine, and get some art done, particularly I need to start on my calender, and now I have the charming 50's people from the new cookbook, yay.
I just received a lovely picture via email that really puts me in a good place to start working.
Right now, not right this minute necessarily but in my life, I am both terribly lonely, and at the same time really reluctant to see people, since no matter how lonely I get, right now I seem to be happiest alone here in the apartment. I don't know what else to say about that.
If this is what he was feeling, then maybe I understand a little bit more about why he wanted what he wanted, and where he was coming from.