things about a saturday

I've lived in this apartment and in this town for more than three months now (so scary, to think that this weird messed up transitional period of my life has been going on for months now...I can't believe that I'm been putting up with living like this for so long).
I realized that I have yet to spent an entire day here in greenfield where I don't use my car and I just stay here in town. I'm always driving off to northampton to meet people, or going to the store on my day off to shop, or driving to savers, or something, I think it says something about my general frenetic energy level, that I haven't been able to find the piece of mind to stop moving long enough to just spend a relaxing day off at home.
I slept terribly late, which was needed, it's been one of those weeks where every single morning I have so much wanted to stay under the covers longer then I've been allowed to. I got up around noon, made really delicious coffee from the rest of my Chocolate Sparrow coffee from when I was on the cape last week for thanksgiving, and wrote a letter to a friend about poetry sitting at the kitchen table.
One thing about being alone more lately, is that I actually get to do this like sit around in my pajamas and write long letters about poetry.
Because I get to stay up late reading poetry, which I did last night.
I took a long walk around town in the particularly wintery sun light, which I enjoyed visually despite a certain bleak aspect to it. I generally do really hate winter and the cold, but there is something about walking around on these late winter afternoons that does please me. There's a quality of the light that is very particular to winter, a paleness, and then the sunset colours are very specific shades of pale pink and peach.
I walked to the salvation army, and found an astonishingly wonderful cookbook from the 50's,"The Master Chef's Outdoor Grill Cookbook" that actually makes me want to jump for joy, the pictures are so great, these incredible technicolour pictures of all these wacky 50's people grilling and doing outdoorsy stuff. I'd like to just save it, but another part of me feels like it's way way way too good not to cut up.
I just walked to the Green Fields Market and am now in such a warm and fuzzy mood, because that was such a lovely food purchasing experience, sort of the opposite of the soulless grocery store experience, and you know, I have lots of reason to think about the soulless grocery experience.
I like walking to the store in the freezing night with my little reusable bag, and buying things like beautiful multicoloured carrots, and collards and andouille sausage, and eggs with of picture of the chicken they came from on them. And I bought wine from my local liquor store, and a pound of coffee beans from my neighborhood place.
It was nice just for once, to not spend any money in any huge chains, especially not the one where I am employed. I mean, not to be hypocritical, because my money comes from that store, and I am paid reasonably, but still it was nice to take day off from putting my money back in, and nice to feel like I was getting to have a charming local experience.
I'm drinking hot chocolate from mapeline farms chocolate milk, and I'm about to make black eyed peas with sausage and collards and carrots, in a whiskey sauce.
And drink some wine, and get some art done, particularly I need to start on my calender, and now I have the charming 50's people from the new cookbook, yay.
I just received a lovely picture via email that really puts me in a good place to start working.
Right now, not right this minute necessarily but in my life, I am both terribly lonely, and at the same time really reluctant to see people, since no matter how lonely I get, right now I seem to be happiest alone here in the apartment. I don't know what else to say about that.
If this is what he was feeling, then maybe I understand a little bit more about why he wanted what he wanted, and where he was coming from.