finding myself around here somewhere

It's been a real roller coaster ride the past couple of days. I have no idea if this is all in my head or if outside events are contributing.
Still unemployed, so I'm still spending a lot of time in my head.
Last week there was another snowstorm, and that really depressed me...not sure exactly why, except certainly there is no novelty anymore to days spent alone in my apartment getting to do cozy stuff and read and cook and work on projects. That's what I do everyday.
But I'm still enjoying it. I could enjoy that for a very long time. It's just sometimes I get into a bad place in my head where I'm very very unproductive, and then when I feel like working again, I get angry at all that wasted time.
I'm definitely basing my happiness too much on other people. I'll wake up so down, and stupid things like an email or a phone call can really lift my mood, but it shouldn't be that way.
Yesterday, some plans I was really looking forward to were canceled, and I was way too down about it. Which made me really glad in a way that those plans were canceled, because it was a good lesson.
I woke up so depressed about it, and then was like, no, I should be happy to have the evening to myself. This is a gift. And I was really, deep down inside.
And I took a long walk, and came home really grateful that I still have my gorgeous apartment, and my lovely cat, and enough money to cook my little dinners...(last night avocado, peas, udon noodles, fried, weird but really good.)
What would I rather do than spend the evening home alone with dustyrose writing and drawing and listening to music and cooking? nothing (I mean occasionally some other things).
(and last night I also ended up having an unexpectedly wonderful and random phone conversation...which made me really happy...but see, basing my happiness on other people again).
Someone I care about recently told me that thing everyone always says about needing to be ok with yourself before you can be there for other people, and my mood this weekend really made that seem true to me.
And he said that I was being selfish with my feelings, which is also very true, I'm keeping all my real feelings locked close to my heart in a tiny box.
I do one hundred percent enjoy my own company, a lot, and nothing about my selfimage should have anything to do with how other people see me.
Plus, there is so so so much I want to do. So much. So I could actually see no one ever and just work here, and not run out of things to do for a long time.
I haven't even made my calender page for February yet, never mind the rest of the year! omg! And I have all these painting ideas, and I want to crochet, and I just started to learn embroidery, and I have all these things to read....and I like having the time to cook, and I have letters to write (oh and I should find a job at some point)...
But I still let what other people think or say about me get to me too much. I need to stop waking up and checking my email to see how I'm going to feel about the day.
I need to go into my interactions with other people from a much stronger, more secure place.
Lots of walking and writing and tarot and yoga. And cooking and making sure that I take care of my body.
I'm paying attention to the physical details of life as much as I can. Tasting delicious things. The feel of the air yesterday when it was surprisingly warm and I could sense spring in the air. The feel of my wonderful bed and sheets and blankets and pillows when I go to sleep all by myself with a book.
My tarot card today told me that I needed to be playful and trusting again, and to let traumatic past events go.
I'm listening to fiona apple tonight, which is kind of nostalgic and fun.