I'm giving myself until spring to get over this, then I need to move on. And by "spring" I mean the official spring solstice, in many ways the holiest day of the year, and by "this" I mean I need to let go of a whole lot of anger and resentment and regret and everything to do with the whole foods saga.
I was suspended just days after the winter solstice, and fired the day before new years eve, so if this ends on the first day of spring, this will have been one complete season of my life.
And winter is traditionally the season of death and rebirth...which is what this winter has been for me, absolutely.
So it will be quite fitting if this period in my life takes exactly one season.
And my relationship with emerson fitted neatly into one season, fall, so that works too.
Fall has always been my favorite season, and so many parts of that relationship were pure pleasure, even though it ended badly. And I started dating him just days before my 30th birthday, and my birthday is always an important day for me.
And 30 should have ended my saturn return, I believe.
But spring. Spring will be something new.
I've really been working on myself this winter, seeing myself through something very dark born out of my own heart.
Come spring, I'm going to be ready for gardens, for sunshine, for dancing, for art, and for trust again, maybe.
Winter 2008-2009 I think I will always remember as the time I really got to know myself. Was always alone with myself. And it was scary and I cried a lot and always woke up in a panic, but look, now I sleep through the night again. I've accepted a lot of things. I've learned how to be grateful, that none of this is by any means the end of the world. That I am so so so thankful that this is the worst I've had to deal with, really I'm very lucky.
I've lost a lot of friends, but the ones I still have, are amazing. awe-inspiring. my family is amazing and awe-inspiring.
Spring is going to bring a lot more art work.
I still wake up thinking about him every single fucking day. Three more weeks, then that has to stop.
I think on the first day of spring I need to perform some sort of ritual. I don't know what yet, but I either need to set a bunch of things on fire or throw things off a cliff into the ocean.
When I got divorced almost three years ago a lot of people told me I needed to take the time to deal with it, even if it was hard, and I didn't.
I'm doing it now.
And I'm going to be at least a reasonably functional version of liz again, soon.
Wednesday, February 25, 2009
Sunday, February 15, 2009
What I've gotten out of this so far.
One thing. I know that right now I'm stronger than I've ever been. Because I don't really feel like I need anyone else. Because I've accepted all kinds of loss and let it go. Because I now one hundred percent totally understand the great pleasure in coming home alone to my own apartment and my cat and a book and my thoughts.
When burns left I partied all the time until I ended up in another committed long term relationship.
I was always surrounded by people, and then I met greg, and then I did that...
This time I lost mostly everyone, so I couldn't do that.
I have never in my life enjoyed my own company so much nor cared so little what other people thought.
This is been a weird hard up and down journey that I think I really needed however much it has sucks.
And today at the co-op they were stocking the seed display, and I thought, it's really almost spring.
I've almost survived this winter, with heart and mind somewhat intact. enough to work with.
If you'd asked me what the odds of that were on december 31, 2008, I wouldn't have been so sure.
But I did it.
The song I was just thinking reminded me of this whole thing just randomly came on itunes shuffle.
WEIRD WEIRD WEIRD.
Rilo Kiley, "A Better Son/Daughter."
I was just thinking of quoting it, and here it is.
Because I am going to come out of this better stronger smarter more grownup a better friend a better daughter etc.
"And I'll fight and I'll make it through and I'll fake it if I have to."
So in some ways he gave me a lot of freedom. Now if I could just find a job...
When burns left I partied all the time until I ended up in another committed long term relationship.
I was always surrounded by people, and then I met greg, and then I did that...
This time I lost mostly everyone, so I couldn't do that.
I have never in my life enjoyed my own company so much nor cared so little what other people thought.
This is been a weird hard up and down journey that I think I really needed however much it has sucks.
And today at the co-op they were stocking the seed display, and I thought, it's really almost spring.
I've almost survived this winter, with heart and mind somewhat intact. enough to work with.
If you'd asked me what the odds of that were on december 31, 2008, I wouldn't have been so sure.
But I did it.
The song I was just thinking reminded me of this whole thing just randomly came on itunes shuffle.
WEIRD WEIRD WEIRD.
Rilo Kiley, "A Better Son/Daughter."
I was just thinking of quoting it, and here it is.
Because I am going to come out of this better stronger smarter more grownup a better friend a better daughter etc.
"And I'll fight and I'll make it through and I'll fake it if I have to."
So in some ways he gave me a lot of freedom. Now if I could just find a job...
Friday, February 13, 2009
my valentines confession.
still totally miss him.
still shaking from seeing him tonight.
still don't believe he isn't still hurting too.
I know we were in the same place for at least a while.
For sure at least for six months we were in the same place together and didn't even know the other felt that way.
so what goes on in his head? how does he deal with what eventually happened? I wish he would tell me so I could deal with it too.
still standing over the kitchen sink alone eating pumpkin ice cream blankly, too sad to even cry, trying to get drunk enough so I can just cry already...
...cause this hurts worse than tears.
He just looked at me on the street tonight like I wasn't even there.
And less than four months ago he convinced me to give up everything because he thought we could be together forever.
Who is he? How did I trust him? When will I stop caring about the answers to these questions?
I would take him back in ten seconds. This totally sucks. Happy valentines day. fuck fuck fuck.
still shaking from seeing him tonight.
still don't believe he isn't still hurting too.
I know we were in the same place for at least a while.
For sure at least for six months we were in the same place together and didn't even know the other felt that way.
so what goes on in his head? how does he deal with what eventually happened? I wish he would tell me so I could deal with it too.
still standing over the kitchen sink alone eating pumpkin ice cream blankly, too sad to even cry, trying to get drunk enough so I can just cry already...
...cause this hurts worse than tears.
He just looked at me on the street tonight like I wasn't even there.
And less than four months ago he convinced me to give up everything because he thought we could be together forever.
Who is he? How did I trust him? When will I stop caring about the answers to these questions?
I would take him back in ten seconds. This totally sucks. Happy valentines day. fuck fuck fuck.
((tiny related thoughts))
I thought for a split second in the exhibit tonight that what I should be doing is being an eating disorder counselor for teenaged girls. I think I could do that.
Very well.
And maybe even help someone who might otherwise die. Like I almost did.
How do I even go about doing that?
(plus all this train of thought has huge relevance to my visual artwork that I can't even begin to deal with right now...but I'm aware of the connections...
...body image, celebrities, porn, britney, food, yeah I get it...or am trying too)
Very well.
And maybe even help someone who might otherwise die. Like I almost did.
How do I even go about doing that?
(plus all this train of thought has huge relevance to my visual artwork that I can't even begin to deal with right now...but I'm aware of the connections...
...body image, celebrities, porn, britney, food, yeah I get it...or am trying too)
valentines eve & other weird painful shit: Part #2: Shame
Tonight I was confronted with a lot of weird painfully deeply difficult to process things that take me back to my deepest darkest parts, the stuff that keeps me up at night. All night.
So I saw emerson tonight. That happened.
Earlier, I met b. at the Smith Art Museum, because it was Northampton Arts Night Out, and when the Smith Museum is free (as it should always be, of course) and Lauren Greenfield's Thin & Girl Culture was at the Smith Museum
That was really good, but weird and hard for me, because it was a lot of photos of women with eating disorders, and eating disorder stuff is still oh so indescribably hard for me to deal with, and I'm not sure how much I'm going to be able to write about it tonight. Still the hardest thing for me to talk about/deal with/acknowledge in anyway/think about.
Even though the year when I regularly weighed under 100 pounds was when I was 14, so 16 years ago now.
I've been living pretty much as normal and appearing normal for 16 years. weird.
To be clear, I can talk about it, in a very specific way, a way that I've created, a language I've created, where I can mention certain controlled truths, and act like I'm dealing with it, but that actually never really even scratches the surface. Of what I've done. Of what I've felt. Of how I still live.
I certainly don't talk about it in the present tense. It's 10:50pm and all I've eaten all day is a single yogurt. I'm fighting with myself with what I'll eat next. Since I've been fired, I can at least on some level see that I'm exercising compulsively (now 205 situps a day plus all this other stuff) but I can't stop. I love when people buy me dinner, because then I'm allowed to eat whatever I want without following my rules.
I eat plenty, and I maintain a normal weight, mostly, but the amount of rules, involved, I know it's not normal, whatever that is, because I can't find the words to talk about. I would never, ever tell anyone what I really think when it comes to eating.
I eroticize it, I play games, I deny myself things...I think this why I want to just go live on a farm because I figure if I was really in touch with food and the sources of my food than all this nonsense my intellectual mind knows is silly and ridiculous would go away.
Gardening helps. That's why I do it. Inpatient eating disorder units should have gardens. And animals. Really.
The show we saw tonight had all these photos of girls being forced to eat cookies, but what if they had to raise chickens and then kill and eat them? Or just gather eggs? That seems like something that would have shaken me out of my self obsession as a teenager. In a good way. And eating disorders are always a self obsession. not that you can stop it just because you know this.
Send all anorexics to sustainable farms and see what happens. seriously.
Food I create myself has less guilt. Food I cook myself does too.
Something about labor, hands, work, touch....
So seeing those photographs...I was almost in tears by the time I left that exhibit. I was choking in my throat.
Not in a bad way. I was really glad I saw it. But it wasn't easy. I think a lot of the point of my own work is that I'm trying so hard to conceive of a language in which to talk about these things.
I need to talk about them. It's part of why I am an artist.
Someone should. And that show tonight, that all from an observer's perspective, because most of those girls photographed are too fucked up to make their own art.
I want to be the voice from the inside, the one who was just that bad, but survived anyway. And I will survive what is happening to me now.
So it was an intense evening in my soul already...
And then I was walking alone down main street in the cold back to my car and standing at the light at the main intersection waiting to cross, and I look over my shoulder behind me for some reason I still can't figure out (ali says I was looking for him) and I see first one member of his band, then the next, and I knew what was coming but it happened so fast, then him, come around the corner, and I didn't know what to do, so I looked away, but I'm pretty sure he saw me, and looked away too, and walked past me.
And then I felt like crying again and I still do.
Both of these are things I'm ashamed of.
That I've treated and still treat my body this way. That I loved him and trusted him and that he treated me this way.
Shame.
That ties this whole night together.
And a lot of my recent life.
In the recent past I've been on my knees in front of one person while someone who likes me sincerely called me on the phone to make plans with me. And have been at the computer at 1am eating leftover homemade curry and dirty instant messaging two different people with the same first same name at the same time.
Shame.
What's going on here?
Starving myself/loving the wrong people. A lot to think about.
And it's almost valentines day...and I take holidays, even stupid ones seriously, because I love ceremony.
It's gonna be a long night.
Thanks sweet jesus that K. made me a 21 love songs mix for valentines day that arrived unexpectedly in the mail this morning, along with this month's cosmo (An Orgasm Almost Killed Her: we are not kidding)(actual headline).
and I'm gonna listened to that truly excellent mix and write my heart out and drink cheap white wine and eat a chicken sandwich from the food the guy who doesn't eat much left behind.
good for me. I am embracing having an appetite. I think I'll make curried chicken salad.
Fuck shame. So what I loved him and I was wrong. He should be ashamed, and he is, cause he can't even look me in the face. Fuck that.
I've got a lot more to write on this subject, I think. Stay tuned.
So I saw emerson tonight. That happened.
Earlier, I met b. at the Smith Art Museum, because it was Northampton Arts Night Out, and when the Smith Museum is free (as it should always be, of course) and Lauren Greenfield's Thin & Girl Culture was at the Smith Museum
That was really good, but weird and hard for me, because it was a lot of photos of women with eating disorders, and eating disorder stuff is still oh so indescribably hard for me to deal with, and I'm not sure how much I'm going to be able to write about it tonight. Still the hardest thing for me to talk about/deal with/acknowledge in anyway/think about.
Even though the year when I regularly weighed under 100 pounds was when I was 14, so 16 years ago now.
I've been living pretty much as normal and appearing normal for 16 years. weird.
To be clear, I can talk about it, in a very specific way, a way that I've created, a language I've created, where I can mention certain controlled truths, and act like I'm dealing with it, but that actually never really even scratches the surface. Of what I've done. Of what I've felt. Of how I still live.
I certainly don't talk about it in the present tense. It's 10:50pm and all I've eaten all day is a single yogurt. I'm fighting with myself with what I'll eat next. Since I've been fired, I can at least on some level see that I'm exercising compulsively (now 205 situps a day plus all this other stuff) but I can't stop. I love when people buy me dinner, because then I'm allowed to eat whatever I want without following my rules.
I eat plenty, and I maintain a normal weight, mostly, but the amount of rules, involved, I know it's not normal, whatever that is, because I can't find the words to talk about. I would never, ever tell anyone what I really think when it comes to eating.
I eroticize it, I play games, I deny myself things...I think this why I want to just go live on a farm because I figure if I was really in touch with food and the sources of my food than all this nonsense my intellectual mind knows is silly and ridiculous would go away.
Gardening helps. That's why I do it. Inpatient eating disorder units should have gardens. And animals. Really.
The show we saw tonight had all these photos of girls being forced to eat cookies, but what if they had to raise chickens and then kill and eat them? Or just gather eggs? That seems like something that would have shaken me out of my self obsession as a teenager. In a good way. And eating disorders are always a self obsession. not that you can stop it just because you know this.
Send all anorexics to sustainable farms and see what happens. seriously.
Food I create myself has less guilt. Food I cook myself does too.
Something about labor, hands, work, touch....
So seeing those photographs...I was almost in tears by the time I left that exhibit. I was choking in my throat.
Not in a bad way. I was really glad I saw it. But it wasn't easy. I think a lot of the point of my own work is that I'm trying so hard to conceive of a language in which to talk about these things.
I need to talk about them. It's part of why I am an artist.
Someone should. And that show tonight, that all from an observer's perspective, because most of those girls photographed are too fucked up to make their own art.
I want to be the voice from the inside, the one who was just that bad, but survived anyway. And I will survive what is happening to me now.
So it was an intense evening in my soul already...
And then I was walking alone down main street in the cold back to my car and standing at the light at the main intersection waiting to cross, and I look over my shoulder behind me for some reason I still can't figure out (ali says I was looking for him) and I see first one member of his band, then the next, and I knew what was coming but it happened so fast, then him, come around the corner, and I didn't know what to do, so I looked away, but I'm pretty sure he saw me, and looked away too, and walked past me.
And then I felt like crying again and I still do.
Both of these are things I'm ashamed of.
That I've treated and still treat my body this way. That I loved him and trusted him and that he treated me this way.
Shame.
That ties this whole night together.
And a lot of my recent life.
In the recent past I've been on my knees in front of one person while someone who likes me sincerely called me on the phone to make plans with me. And have been at the computer at 1am eating leftover homemade curry and dirty instant messaging two different people with the same first same name at the same time.
Shame.
What's going on here?
Starving myself/loving the wrong people. A lot to think about.
And it's almost valentines day...and I take holidays, even stupid ones seriously, because I love ceremony.
It's gonna be a long night.
Thanks sweet jesus that K. made me a 21 love songs mix for valentines day that arrived unexpectedly in the mail this morning, along with this month's cosmo (An Orgasm Almost Killed Her: we are not kidding)(actual headline).
and I'm gonna listened to that truly excellent mix and write my heart out and drink cheap white wine and eat a chicken sandwich from the food the guy who doesn't eat much left behind.
good for me. I am embracing having an appetite. I think I'll make curried chicken salad.
Fuck shame. So what I loved him and I was wrong. He should be ashamed, and he is, cause he can't even look me in the face. Fuck that.
I've got a lot more to write on this subject, I think. Stay tuned.
(valentines)(food)(the inbetween bit)
(one other thing: my ideal valentines date, and which I've had with various partners for at least most of the last eleven years, is to cook a really special gorgeous romantic dinner at home with my love...I think the guy tomorrow wouldn't understand the food/sex/love/touch thing that matters to me so much...that's part of the problem...when I cooked him dinner for the first time this week, he didn't finish his plate and I was the only one eating butter...that sort of thing doesn't make me want to fuck you)
(I don't want to go to a restaurant, I want my valentines date to lick butter off my fingers and fuck me up against the kitchen wall while we are still cooking, pots and pans all on the stove and knives and cutting boards everywhere, everything smelling delicious)
(at least I know this)
(Iwrote this about myself the other day)
(You should message me if:
If you are open to adventure.
If you are by nature a sensual person, and the way life tastes, sounds, smells, sounds, and feels matters to you.
If you think food is incredibly sexy, and you agree that cooking an elaborate, messy, and indulgent meal is an excellent form of foreplay. And if you like to eat, because I like to cook, and I like people who truly appreciate food.
If you like dancing and getting sweaty.
If you want to go a dive bar for a bunch of hours and play the jukebox and act ridiculous.
If you smell and taste good, because I always notice that about a person.
If doing whiskey shots and eating cake in bed sounds like fun to you.
and you should like music, doesn't matter what kind because I like a lot.)
(of course, I know who all things are true about)
(I don't want to go to a restaurant, I want my valentines date to lick butter off my fingers and fuck me up against the kitchen wall while we are still cooking, pots and pans all on the stove and knives and cutting boards everywhere, everything smelling delicious)
(at least I know this)
(Iwrote this about myself the other day)
(You should message me if:
If you are open to adventure.
If you are by nature a sensual person, and the way life tastes, sounds, smells, sounds, and feels matters to you.
If you think food is incredibly sexy, and you agree that cooking an elaborate, messy, and indulgent meal is an excellent form of foreplay. And if you like to eat, because I like to cook, and I like people who truly appreciate food.
If you like dancing and getting sweaty.
If you want to go a dive bar for a bunch of hours and play the jukebox and act ridiculous.
If you smell and taste good, because I always notice that about a person.
If doing whiskey shots and eating cake in bed sounds like fun to you.
and you should like music, doesn't matter what kind because I like a lot.)
(of course, I know who all things are true about)
valentines eve & other weird painful shit: Part #1
So valentines eve 2009. First valentines day since 1998 when I was 19 that I haven't been in a committed long term relationship with someone I was in love with on valentines day. That's eleven years, people.
So there's that. Not that I'll be alone at all, I have a date, a really nice date planned to go to see "Coraline" and eat sushi at osaka, with someone I like ok, who is handsome and smart and funny and seems to really like me and the way I think and who pays attention to my art, etc. perfect on paper, but on the other hand , as ali and jocelyn and I were just joking, I'm just not that into him? Get it? I could let him know that by suggesting we see, "He's Just Not That Into You" instead of "Coraline." But he planned this date, and it's a great date, it's all stuff I love to do, so what is my problem? That it feels like we are really "dating" now and one thing I do know is that I don't want that. Not with one person. My poor little heart can't handle it yet.
I'm turning into one of those boys I've dated who's terrified of the word "Girlfriend." I just don't want to be anybody's girlfriend, except maybe one person's and that's the wrong person.
And valentines day is of course complicated because ever since I broke up with emerson, well I guess not since we broke up, we broke up in november, and I thought for while we'd certainly get back together haha now we'll never even speak again, I guess since he got me fired at christmas, I 've been on a dating spree that I can't entirely understand or explain to myself or anyone else. Mostly people from the internet, a few from real life. Right now I am currently have a specifically nondating sex/friendship thing with three people, and dating two other people, making plans to meet at least two new people next week, plus two people I've met in person I'm avoiding, plus a handful of people I only email. Hmmm.
Very emotionally confusing, especially considering I've never really dated casually before, only ever gone from one serious relationship to the next.
And the only person who moves me at all is the one most specifically nonromantic. But maybe that's exactly the reason I'm moved, because that situation is safe. It's definitely the only situation where I'm having sex because I really want to, which is sad I guess.
I had a good conversation with a & k about what this means about what I really want, and whether or not it's ok for me to want the things I seem to want.
Am I a slut, a whore, am I really messed up emotionally, am I really sexually confused, am I normal?
When I describe it to myself, I just say that all I want is to feel something. And that I can't. That's here is an empty space in my chest and I'm just trying to fill it with something.
That the only reason that I can handle all this is that emerson left me so emotionally removed from myself and everything else that I can just jump from one person to the next and not feel a real connection.
I feel guilty about my date tomorrow, I feel like he wants something different and I'm not being honest.
I'm confused, because the me I used to be would have been so happy about this situation and the me I am right now feels nothing.
I mostly want to be alone these days, that's when I usually feel the best with a few exception.
I guess emerson gave me that, an appreciation of my own company that I didn't have when I was clinging to him for everything.
Although I never am alone, this week I had exactly one night to spend alone in my apartment.
But then why am I dating all these people?
I think I really really really need the attention, I'm craving it so much, just tell me I'm beautiful, sexy, special, that you want me, that I'm not the worthless creature that he threw away and wrecked and didn't even bother turn around to look back at.
I saw him tonight of course. For the first time since the morning after that fateful store party, back on december 17th. Then I was suspended on the 23rd and I never saw him again, I saw the back of his head the one time I went back to the store to get the stuff from my locker, but this time I saw his face and I believe he saw me.
That's part #2. But of course it happened tonight. Valentines Eve. In a parallel universe of course, we end up not destroying each other and I wake up in his arms tomorrow.
So there's that. Not that I'll be alone at all, I have a date, a really nice date planned to go to see "Coraline" and eat sushi at osaka, with someone I like ok, who is handsome and smart and funny and seems to really like me and the way I think and who pays attention to my art, etc. perfect on paper, but on the other hand , as ali and jocelyn and I were just joking, I'm just not that into him? Get it? I could let him know that by suggesting we see, "He's Just Not That Into You" instead of "Coraline." But he planned this date, and it's a great date, it's all stuff I love to do, so what is my problem? That it feels like we are really "dating" now and one thing I do know is that I don't want that. Not with one person. My poor little heart can't handle it yet.
I'm turning into one of those boys I've dated who's terrified of the word "Girlfriend." I just don't want to be anybody's girlfriend, except maybe one person's and that's the wrong person.
And valentines day is of course complicated because ever since I broke up with emerson, well I guess not since we broke up, we broke up in november, and I thought for while we'd certainly get back together haha now we'll never even speak again, I guess since he got me fired at christmas, I 've been on a dating spree that I can't entirely understand or explain to myself or anyone else. Mostly people from the internet, a few from real life. Right now I am currently have a specifically nondating sex/friendship thing with three people, and dating two other people, making plans to meet at least two new people next week, plus two people I've met in person I'm avoiding, plus a handful of people I only email. Hmmm.
Very emotionally confusing, especially considering I've never really dated casually before, only ever gone from one serious relationship to the next.
And the only person who moves me at all is the one most specifically nonromantic. But maybe that's exactly the reason I'm moved, because that situation is safe. It's definitely the only situation where I'm having sex because I really want to, which is sad I guess.
I had a good conversation with a & k about what this means about what I really want, and whether or not it's ok for me to want the things I seem to want.
Am I a slut, a whore, am I really messed up emotionally, am I really sexually confused, am I normal?
When I describe it to myself, I just say that all I want is to feel something. And that I can't. That's here is an empty space in my chest and I'm just trying to fill it with something.
That the only reason that I can handle all this is that emerson left me so emotionally removed from myself and everything else that I can just jump from one person to the next and not feel a real connection.
I feel guilty about my date tomorrow, I feel like he wants something different and I'm not being honest.
I'm confused, because the me I used to be would have been so happy about this situation and the me I am right now feels nothing.
I mostly want to be alone these days, that's when I usually feel the best with a few exception.
I guess emerson gave me that, an appreciation of my own company that I didn't have when I was clinging to him for everything.
Although I never am alone, this week I had exactly one night to spend alone in my apartment.
But then why am I dating all these people?
I think I really really really need the attention, I'm craving it so much, just tell me I'm beautiful, sexy, special, that you want me, that I'm not the worthless creature that he threw away and wrecked and didn't even bother turn around to look back at.
I saw him tonight of course. For the first time since the morning after that fateful store party, back on december 17th. Then I was suspended on the 23rd and I never saw him again, I saw the back of his head the one time I went back to the store to get the stuff from my locker, but this time I saw his face and I believe he saw me.
That's part #2. But of course it happened tonight. Valentines Eve. In a parallel universe of course, we end up not destroying each other and I wake up in his arms tomorrow.
Sunday, February 8, 2009
duality/complexity...trashy vs. everything else
I'm having a problem lately with feeling like people keep making assumptions about me, or thinking they know what my next step with be, or making blanket decisions about my personality without really knowing me at all.
Like they take one tiny grain of information and run with it and construct a whole persona for me from it. I don't think that's fair.
I have a lot of complexity, and contradictions, and just because you really love one thing about me doesn't mean you'll like the whole package, so don't get so excited.
So don't go on and act all surprised if you like me, and then you learn something that you don't like. And don't try and act like I lied to you, because all sorts of contradictory things about me just happen to be true.
I try to be a good human being and bring my reusable bag to the grocery store and recycle everything and believe in and support local agrculture and businesses and would rather walk places than drive and like to cook and grow my own food and don't like mostly to eat chemicals or things from mixes or any fast food and all those things are very very true but I also drive an old Ford Explorer and I love it, if I had all the money in the world and could buy any car I wanted I might buy a really big ridiculous pickup truck and I love shampoo with really strong scents and all other manner of artificially scented body and cleaning products from target and my perfume if britney spears' "curious" hahaha and I don't like candy but sometimes a reeses peanut butter cup can send me to heaven annd I am very romantic and sentimental but I also like sex with no attachments and I like toenail polish and glitter eyeshadow, and trashy clothing from the mall, and coffee from machines in gas stations, amd I like to dress old fashioned and love beautiful vintage things but I like hip jeans and fabulous sneakers too and hell I like to mostly just wear my pink sweatpants from target at home so don't treat me like such a princess where I can only wear skirts and hair ribbons and I dislike most things new age or hippy-like at all but I really believe in yoga and tarot and do both of those things everyday and sometimes I love just sitting on my yoga mat focusing and I love to cook and really care about food and appreciate really amazing food but you can take me to a diner or make me frozen french fries and I'll be really really happy and I love very very much both beautiful old well-made objects and cheap plastic crap and I'm incredibly shy and have trouble meeting new people but I'll drive to stranger's house in a different city and get into their bed within ten mintues and have no problem with it and I love shoes but can't really walk in high heels and I keep my apartment really neat and organized but also don't care if my friends get crumbs and frosting all over the place and I can be equally excited about an evening spent crafting and watching anne of green gables and drinking tea or or an evening drinking a shit ton of alcohol and doing outrageopus things and I'll do a lot of things to please other people but I'll also stand my ground and it is not because I'm a bitch or may be it is and I'm very private about what I really think but I'll tell you a lot of intimate details you probably don't want to hear and I like a lot of very cool hipster music like the silver jews and guided by voices that impresses cute indy boys but I also love britney spears and ani difranco and hall&oats and steely dan and the pet shop boys and lots of country music and old broadway musicals and hardcore rap music and I love bad 80's hair metal like guns n' roses and bon jovi and poison a lot plus lots of queer punk from the 90's like team dresch and bratmobile etc and I read the new yorker and cosmo and like six food magazines and a lot of glossy tabloids and I love them all and I read nonfiction and poetry and difficult novels and chick lit and trashy horror novels and books which are basically food porn ...
and I feel like I am a smart spiritual artistic creative trashy drunken reckless slutty sincere open hearted self-protective romantic exhibitionist private girl all at once.
I know: all about me.
I am one hundred percent sure that this is true of everybody,. but I still keep getting: oh I thought "you were different, I'm disappointed" lately. Over stupid shit like I care about the earth but drive my big car, or really love pavement but also really love britney, or am a genuinely smart person but love love love bad reality tv. So what?
This is just what went through my head earlier today driving in beloved Ford Explorer listening to ani difranco wearing my badass motorcycle boots on my way home from a date where I felt kind of misunderstood/judged to the big y in greenfield to buy toilet paper, trash bags, fancy feast for dustyrose, and cheap white wine for me.
One last note: maybe this is my fault, because I will play with whomever I'm with. But never to the degree that it's not true, it's just that if there are things we have in common, I will focus on those. Is that bad?
Like they take one tiny grain of information and run with it and construct a whole persona for me from it. I don't think that's fair.
I have a lot of complexity, and contradictions, and just because you really love one thing about me doesn't mean you'll like the whole package, so don't get so excited.
So don't go on and act all surprised if you like me, and then you learn something that you don't like. And don't try and act like I lied to you, because all sorts of contradictory things about me just happen to be true.
I try to be a good human being and bring my reusable bag to the grocery store and recycle everything and believe in and support local agrculture and businesses and would rather walk places than drive and like to cook and grow my own food and don't like mostly to eat chemicals or things from mixes or any fast food and all those things are very very true but I also drive an old Ford Explorer and I love it, if I had all the money in the world and could buy any car I wanted I might buy a really big ridiculous pickup truck and I love shampoo with really strong scents and all other manner of artificially scented body and cleaning products from target and my perfume if britney spears' "curious" hahaha and I don't like candy but sometimes a reeses peanut butter cup can send me to heaven annd I am very romantic and sentimental but I also like sex with no attachments and I like toenail polish and glitter eyeshadow, and trashy clothing from the mall, and coffee from machines in gas stations, amd I like to dress old fashioned and love beautiful vintage things but I like hip jeans and fabulous sneakers too and hell I like to mostly just wear my pink sweatpants from target at home so don't treat me like such a princess where I can only wear skirts and hair ribbons and I dislike most things new age or hippy-like at all but I really believe in yoga and tarot and do both of those things everyday and sometimes I love just sitting on my yoga mat focusing and I love to cook and really care about food and appreciate really amazing food but you can take me to a diner or make me frozen french fries and I'll be really really happy and I love very very much both beautiful old well-made objects and cheap plastic crap and I'm incredibly shy and have trouble meeting new people but I'll drive to stranger's house in a different city and get into their bed within ten mintues and have no problem with it and I love shoes but can't really walk in high heels and I keep my apartment really neat and organized but also don't care if my friends get crumbs and frosting all over the place and I can be equally excited about an evening spent crafting and watching anne of green gables and drinking tea or or an evening drinking a shit ton of alcohol and doing outrageopus things and I'll do a lot of things to please other people but I'll also stand my ground and it is not because I'm a bitch or may be it is and I'm very private about what I really think but I'll tell you a lot of intimate details you probably don't want to hear and I like a lot of very cool hipster music like the silver jews and guided by voices that impresses cute indy boys but I also love britney spears and ani difranco and hall&oats and steely dan and the pet shop boys and lots of country music and old broadway musicals and hardcore rap music and I love bad 80's hair metal like guns n' roses and bon jovi and poison a lot plus lots of queer punk from the 90's like team dresch and bratmobile etc and I read the new yorker and cosmo and like six food magazines and a lot of glossy tabloids and I love them all and I read nonfiction and poetry and difficult novels and chick lit and trashy horror novels and books which are basically food porn ...
and I feel like I am a smart spiritual artistic creative trashy drunken reckless slutty sincere open hearted self-protective romantic exhibitionist private girl all at once.
I know: all about me.
I am one hundred percent sure that this is true of everybody,. but I still keep getting: oh I thought "you were different, I'm disappointed" lately. Over stupid shit like I care about the earth but drive my big car, or really love pavement but also really love britney, or am a genuinely smart person but love love love bad reality tv. So what?
This is just what went through my head earlier today driving in beloved Ford Explorer listening to ani difranco wearing my badass motorcycle boots on my way home from a date where I felt kind of misunderstood/judged to the big y in greenfield to buy toilet paper, trash bags, fancy feast for dustyrose, and cheap white wine for me.
One last note: maybe this is my fault, because I will play with whomever I'm with. But never to the degree that it's not true, it's just that if there are things we have in common, I will focus on those. Is that bad?
Tuesday, February 3, 2009
more from my apartment tonight
I don't why, but ani's really nice tonight.
Two quotes from "knuckle Down" which I generally think is just a terrible album, and I've never really listened to, I can't stop playing over and over again. Again, it's probably been ten years since I seriously listened to ani difranco. But I guess I made the correct random choice tonight.
"come home and my guitar
has nothin to say to me
i recoil from all my friends
and then i'm in misery
been so long since i've been held
really since i was his
probably just need to be held
that's probably all it is"
-ani, "recoil"
"but you can't will yourself happy
you can't will your cunt wet
you can't keep standing at the station
pretending you're being met
you can't wear a sign that says 'yours'
when that ain't what you get"
-ani, "callous"
....other little things about tonight...I've been reading Julia Child's memoir, "My Life In France, " and that's making me incredibly happy. And she didn't learn to cook at all until she was 36, so maybe there is serious hope for me. Maybe I will have my restaurant someday. And she found the love of her life in her late 30's, and they lived happily ever after, complete with delicious food, so again, hope...
...I found a completely brand new "clear head" candle from whole foods in the bathroom that I had forgotten I had and that's making the apartment much better...
...last night I stayed up late reading and working in my sketchbook, not messing around pointlessly on the internet and I think it might happen again tonight...(except then why am I writing in this blog?)
...even though it's late I just did some yoga, and now I feel bendy and calmer...
...my tarot card for tonight was the Hawk, Messenger, "do not let your emotions cloud your perceptions. Examine your life from a higher perspective." When don't I let my emotions cloud my perceptions...hmmm.
Two quotes from "knuckle Down" which I generally think is just a terrible album, and I've never really listened to, I can't stop playing over and over again. Again, it's probably been ten years since I seriously listened to ani difranco. But I guess I made the correct random choice tonight.
"come home and my guitar
has nothin to say to me
i recoil from all my friends
and then i'm in misery
been so long since i've been held
really since i was his
probably just need to be held
that's probably all it is"
-ani, "recoil"
"but you can't will yourself happy
you can't will your cunt wet
you can't keep standing at the station
pretending you're being met
you can't wear a sign that says 'yours'
when that ain't what you get"
-ani, "callous"
....other little things about tonight...I've been reading Julia Child's memoir, "My Life In France, " and that's making me incredibly happy. And she didn't learn to cook at all until she was 36, so maybe there is serious hope for me. Maybe I will have my restaurant someday. And she found the love of her life in her late 30's, and they lived happily ever after, complete with delicious food, so again, hope...
...I found a completely brand new "clear head" candle from whole foods in the bathroom that I had forgotten I had and that's making the apartment much better...
...last night I stayed up late reading and working in my sketchbook, not messing around pointlessly on the internet and I think it might happen again tonight...(except then why am I writing in this blog?)
...even though it's late I just did some yoga, and now I feel bendy and calmer...
...my tarot card for tonight was the Hawk, Messenger, "do not let your emotions cloud your perceptions. Examine your life from a higher perspective." When don't I let my emotions cloud my perceptions...hmmm.
in my space
It's weird, I like this guy, the one who came to visit today, we had a nice day, and spent some quiet time drinking coffee and reading at bart's and later sitting in the whately diner looking out at the beautiful snowy dusk eating french fries and talking about country music, and he had his own fries but was using my ketchup which I thought was cute, and we drove around in his truck in the snow which I love, and lately he's really felt like my friend, but every time he's here, as soon as he leaves I feel compelled to clean and clean the apartment and get rid of every trace of him.
When he left tonight I first took a long walk in the snow, because I needed fresh air so much...and when I got back to the apartment I meant to do some other stuff but like I had no choice in the matter I immediately started rinsing out ashtrays and picking up glasses and changed my sheets and lit candles and am about to take a shower. I was thinking of cooking something even though I'm not hungry just so the apartment won't smell like him anymore.
...and I'm listening to old ani difranco for some reason, which I almost never do anymore....I think it's going to be sleater-kinney next, too.
When I was with e., he'd also manage to trash my entire apartment every time he spent the night, but I'd kind of enjoy finding the reminders of his presence the next day. Same with when g. and I first started dating. The time he left my bed full of lucky charms I thought it was adorable.
But now it's like I want to erase any hint this guy was ever here, and just get my home back to the way it was when I woke up this morning.
Again, I do like him, so I don't know what this physical aversion to him in my personal space is about.
Maybe it has nothing to do with him and this all has something to do with the boundaries I need right now in life. Like I just don't want boys in my space and that's that.
I don't know, I still feel like if it was the right boy, I wouldn't mind if my sheets smelled like him, but maybe I'm wrong.
When he left tonight I first took a long walk in the snow, because I needed fresh air so much...and when I got back to the apartment I meant to do some other stuff but like I had no choice in the matter I immediately started rinsing out ashtrays and picking up glasses and changed my sheets and lit candles and am about to take a shower. I was thinking of cooking something even though I'm not hungry just so the apartment won't smell like him anymore.
...and I'm listening to old ani difranco for some reason, which I almost never do anymore....I think it's going to be sleater-kinney next, too.
When I was with e., he'd also manage to trash my entire apartment every time he spent the night, but I'd kind of enjoy finding the reminders of his presence the next day. Same with when g. and I first started dating. The time he left my bed full of lucky charms I thought it was adorable.
But now it's like I want to erase any hint this guy was ever here, and just get my home back to the way it was when I woke up this morning.
Again, I do like him, so I don't know what this physical aversion to him in my personal space is about.
Maybe it has nothing to do with him and this all has something to do with the boundaries I need right now in life. Like I just don't want boys in my space and that's that.
I don't know, I still feel like if it was the right boy, I wouldn't mind if my sheets smelled like him, but maybe I'm wrong.
Monday, February 2, 2009
Recipe: Comfort Food=broccoli & udon noodles
This is my most comforting at home dinner: Broccoli, chicken, and udon noodles.
Broccoli
1 to 2 jalapeño peppers to taste
Red Bell Pepper
chicken breasts
1 onion
several cloves of garlic
a avocado
package of udon noodles
olive oil
sesame oil
soy sauce
sriracha hot sauce
chili oil
fish sauce
1. Saute the onion and garlic and jalapeño peppers in olive oil for about ten minutes on medium high heat.
2. Add a couple of tablespoons of soy sauce.
3. Add broccoli, chicken, and bell pepper, cook about another five minutes.
4. Add chopped avocado.
5. Add a splash each (or more to taste) of sriracha hot sauce, sesame oil, chili oil, fish sauce. Let simmer, adding more soy sauce if it needs liquid. Cook at least 15-20 minutes.
6. Boil water, add udon noodles.
7. Add drained udon noodles, plus more soy sauce, cook on high for another couple of minutes.
Serve.
(I'm going to go eat this right now).
Broccoli
1 to 2 jalapeño peppers to taste
Red Bell Pepper
chicken breasts
1 onion
several cloves of garlic
a avocado
package of udon noodles
olive oil
sesame oil
soy sauce
sriracha hot sauce
chili oil
fish sauce
1. Saute the onion and garlic and jalapeño peppers in olive oil for about ten minutes on medium high heat.
2. Add a couple of tablespoons of soy sauce.
3. Add broccoli, chicken, and bell pepper, cook about another five minutes.
4. Add chopped avocado.
5. Add a splash each (or more to taste) of sriracha hot sauce, sesame oil, chili oil, fish sauce. Let simmer, adding more soy sauce if it needs liquid. Cook at least 15-20 minutes.
6. Boil water, add udon noodles.
7. Add drained udon noodles, plus more soy sauce, cook on high for another couple of minutes.
Serve.
(I'm going to go eat this right now).
random kindnesses are good
On the positive side of my last post, and I think this is different from basing your happiness on other people, some lovely people I am fortunate enough to know have really warmed my heart in this past week.
It's the little random things people do that they don't have to that make you realize that you are really not alone even when you are taking some time off from reality and hiding out in your apartment.
1. In the middle of the yucky snowstorm last wednesday, a king cake arrived on my front porch sent by a friend in new orleans. The amount of joy I felt when I walked up to the front porch in the midst of all the snow and ice and saw the giant festive box cannot be measured.
2. the king cake inspired a king cake party the next night, and having my friends over to my apartment for cake and homemade cheese straws and valentines conversation hearts and hummus and hello kitty toast and giggling and wine and whiskey and poetry and dirty versions of the barbie queen of the prom game (barbie queen of the blowjob, complete with toy dinosaurs and gummy octopuses as playing pieces) was needed.
3. my car was completely and utterly stuck in the snow in my driveway following that snowstorm last week, and three of my next door neighbors whom I do not know at all helped push the car, shovel snow, actually drive the car, and just generally assist until I actually got out of the driveway (oh god god god I'm getting really sick of winter) (I pretended I was from louisiana I was so embarrassed at my inability to drive my own car). But they helped so much, and they totally didn't have to, and it was amazing.
4. The chinese food bought for me on friday when I was starving and broke, oh yay for hot and sour soup and sesame balls and eggrolls at ten pm when it's cold and you haven't eaten all day but have no money.
5. this unexpectedly lovely trip to boston on saturday, filled with lots of humor and conversation and getting lost and activities meant for children.
6. Something kind and true said by a friend on aim yesterday when I was at my lowest point and needed it most.
I hope that these are things I can do back for people someday.
It's the little random things people do that they don't have to that make you realize that you are really not alone even when you are taking some time off from reality and hiding out in your apartment.
1. In the middle of the yucky snowstorm last wednesday, a king cake arrived on my front porch sent by a friend in new orleans. The amount of joy I felt when I walked up to the front porch in the midst of all the snow and ice and saw the giant festive box cannot be measured.
2. the king cake inspired a king cake party the next night, and having my friends over to my apartment for cake and homemade cheese straws and valentines conversation hearts and hummus and hello kitty toast and giggling and wine and whiskey and poetry and dirty versions of the barbie queen of the prom game (barbie queen of the blowjob, complete with toy dinosaurs and gummy octopuses as playing pieces) was needed.
3. my car was completely and utterly stuck in the snow in my driveway following that snowstorm last week, and three of my next door neighbors whom I do not know at all helped push the car, shovel snow, actually drive the car, and just generally assist until I actually got out of the driveway (oh god god god I'm getting really sick of winter) (I pretended I was from louisiana I was so embarrassed at my inability to drive my own car). But they helped so much, and they totally didn't have to, and it was amazing.
4. The chinese food bought for me on friday when I was starving and broke, oh yay for hot and sour soup and sesame balls and eggrolls at ten pm when it's cold and you haven't eaten all day but have no money.
5. this unexpectedly lovely trip to boston on saturday, filled with lots of humor and conversation and getting lost and activities meant for children.
6. Something kind and true said by a friend on aim yesterday when I was at my lowest point and needed it most.
I hope that these are things I can do back for people someday.
finding myself around here somewhere
It's been a real roller coaster ride the past couple of days. I have no idea if this is all in my head or if outside events are contributing.
Still unemployed, so I'm still spending a lot of time in my head.
Last week there was another snowstorm, and that really depressed me...not sure exactly why, except certainly there is no novelty anymore to days spent alone in my apartment getting to do cozy stuff and read and cook and work on projects. That's what I do everyday.
But I'm still enjoying it. I could enjoy that for a very long time. It's just sometimes I get into a bad place in my head where I'm very very unproductive, and then when I feel like working again, I get angry at all that wasted time.
I'm definitely basing my happiness too much on other people. I'll wake up so down, and stupid things like an email or a phone call can really lift my mood, but it shouldn't be that way.
Yesterday, some plans I was really looking forward to were canceled, and I was way too down about it. Which made me really glad in a way that those plans were canceled, because it was a good lesson.
I woke up so depressed about it, and then was like, no, I should be happy to have the evening to myself. This is a gift. And I was really, deep down inside.
And I took a long walk, and came home really grateful that I still have my gorgeous apartment, and my lovely cat, and enough money to cook my little dinners...(last night avocado, peas, udon noodles, fried, weird but really good.)
What would I rather do than spend the evening home alone with dustyrose writing and drawing and listening to music and cooking? nothing (I mean occasionally some other things).
(and last night I also ended up having an unexpectedly wonderful and random phone conversation...which made me really happy...but see, basing my happiness on other people again).
Someone I care about recently told me that thing everyone always says about needing to be ok with yourself before you can be there for other people, and my mood this weekend really made that seem true to me.
And he said that I was being selfish with my feelings, which is also very true, I'm keeping all my real feelings locked close to my heart in a tiny box.
I do one hundred percent enjoy my own company, a lot, and nothing about my selfimage should have anything to do with how other people see me.
Plus, there is so so so much I want to do. So much. So I could actually see no one ever and just work here, and not run out of things to do for a long time.
I haven't even made my calender page for February yet, never mind the rest of the year! omg! And I have all these painting ideas, and I want to crochet, and I just started to learn embroidery, and I have all these things to read....and I like having the time to cook, and I have letters to write (oh and I should find a job at some point)...
But I still let what other people think or say about me get to me too much. I need to stop waking up and checking my email to see how I'm going to feel about the day.
I need to go into my interactions with other people from a much stronger, more secure place.
Lots of walking and writing and tarot and yoga. And cooking and making sure that I take care of my body.
I'm paying attention to the physical details of life as much as I can. Tasting delicious things. The feel of the air yesterday when it was surprisingly warm and I could sense spring in the air. The feel of my wonderful bed and sheets and blankets and pillows when I go to sleep all by myself with a book.
My tarot card today told me that I needed to be playful and trusting again, and to let traumatic past events go.
I'm listening to fiona apple tonight, which is kind of nostalgic and fun.
Still unemployed, so I'm still spending a lot of time in my head.
Last week there was another snowstorm, and that really depressed me...not sure exactly why, except certainly there is no novelty anymore to days spent alone in my apartment getting to do cozy stuff and read and cook and work on projects. That's what I do everyday.
But I'm still enjoying it. I could enjoy that for a very long time. It's just sometimes I get into a bad place in my head where I'm very very unproductive, and then when I feel like working again, I get angry at all that wasted time.
I'm definitely basing my happiness too much on other people. I'll wake up so down, and stupid things like an email or a phone call can really lift my mood, but it shouldn't be that way.
Yesterday, some plans I was really looking forward to were canceled, and I was way too down about it. Which made me really glad in a way that those plans were canceled, because it was a good lesson.
I woke up so depressed about it, and then was like, no, I should be happy to have the evening to myself. This is a gift. And I was really, deep down inside.
And I took a long walk, and came home really grateful that I still have my gorgeous apartment, and my lovely cat, and enough money to cook my little dinners...(last night avocado, peas, udon noodles, fried, weird but really good.)
What would I rather do than spend the evening home alone with dustyrose writing and drawing and listening to music and cooking? nothing (I mean occasionally some other things).
(and last night I also ended up having an unexpectedly wonderful and random phone conversation...which made me really happy...but see, basing my happiness on other people again).
Someone I care about recently told me that thing everyone always says about needing to be ok with yourself before you can be there for other people, and my mood this weekend really made that seem true to me.
And he said that I was being selfish with my feelings, which is also very true, I'm keeping all my real feelings locked close to my heart in a tiny box.
I do one hundred percent enjoy my own company, a lot, and nothing about my selfimage should have anything to do with how other people see me.
Plus, there is so so so much I want to do. So much. So I could actually see no one ever and just work here, and not run out of things to do for a long time.
I haven't even made my calender page for February yet, never mind the rest of the year! omg! And I have all these painting ideas, and I want to crochet, and I just started to learn embroidery, and I have all these things to read....and I like having the time to cook, and I have letters to write (oh and I should find a job at some point)...
But I still let what other people think or say about me get to me too much. I need to stop waking up and checking my email to see how I'm going to feel about the day.
I need to go into my interactions with other people from a much stronger, more secure place.
Lots of walking and writing and tarot and yoga. And cooking and making sure that I take care of my body.
I'm paying attention to the physical details of life as much as I can. Tasting delicious things. The feel of the air yesterday when it was surprisingly warm and I could sense spring in the air. The feel of my wonderful bed and sheets and blankets and pillows when I go to sleep all by myself with a book.
My tarot card today told me that I needed to be playful and trusting again, and to let traumatic past events go.
I'm listening to fiona apple tonight, which is kind of nostalgic and fun.
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