physicality/food/breasts Part 1.

I keep thinking again and again about the space I take up, the amount of space I fill, etc. Size, physicality. Eating. Taking pleasure in eating.
I think it's because I recently just got back into cooking elaborately again, after this whole summer of being totally unable to prepare meals for myself. Of eating hummus and hot sauce sandwiches late at night. Of not eating a vegetable for three months I think. Of not even noticing that I didn't have a frying pan anymore. Of realizing around september I hadn't turned on the stove since early july. Of not taking care of myself at all.
In my worst cases of food self-denial I still never ever do the diet and calorie things. I'll not eat all day then eat cheese and mayonnaise straight out of the fridge. When I do cook, I cook everything in butter and white wine. Or half and half. I eat giant cookies for lunch with hot chocolate and whipped cream. I drink endless cups of coffee almost entirely composed of cream and sugar. I believe fundamentally in the pleasure principle, and after having almost starved myself to death ondce, I do believe in taking pleasure in the taste and sensuality of things. It's like my main philosophy in life. So I'm not even sure exactly what my deal is. Because then I won't let myself eat because I what? Don't deserve it? Hate the way I look? Am just seriously obsessive-compulive about everything? What? Plus I think food issues are stupid, anything. So why do I debate in my head whether I deserve to eat breakfast?
And how does this tie into my own attractiveness anyway? I do not fundamentally find anything attractive about starving, so why do I do? I think my breasts look at lot better larger, so why do they still make my feel fat? I really really think my cleavage is so much sexier now that I am not totally underweight, so how much comments about my breasts still make me feel outrageous large sometimes?
Yes this blog will from now on be entirely about my breasts. I think it's the tattoo. And because my size issues are like the most major unadjusted thing about me. Other then that, I'm really pretty mentally and emotionally together. If I could just eat reasonable meals without some retarded waste of time debate going on in my head, I'd be unstoppable.
So I'll continue this. I had this whole train of thought really well worked out in my head when I was taking a walk earlier today, but I've lost it. Proably due to the trauma of almost being decapitated by a tree branch while walking in a torrential downpour.