I'm almost to my personal deadline for recovery (start of spring), and that means somehow I survived this winter.
Like this is an awards show (I know I'm way too obsessed with celebrity culture, well you know what, it's my healthiest current obsession so I'm gonna go with it), credit goes to: rin (for sitting there and listening to me so many, many times, and always knowing psychically exactly when to call me), beth & sarah h (cause I needed somewhere awesome to go on friday nights and plus oh my god, so much support and crafts and good thrift stores sense from you guys heart heart heart), my parents, especially my dad (for weirdly not judging me for ruining my own life, and supporting me so much), troy (for never once saying this was my fault, although a lot of it really was), hilary (for understanding me a lot, and remembering to check in) ali (for continuing to be the same incredible sister she's always been), and tim (for saving my life this winter, absolutely, one hundred percent through the written word). thanks so godamn fucking much y'all.
I was thinking about this while walking today (and even though it was kind of freezing it was definitely a spring day)(ha! "kind of" and "definitely" in the same cause, I'm so conflicted)(so I was reminded of the deadline)(ha! again so many ellipses)(I love ellipses), and I was suddenly so humbled I was tearful.
Not to be cheesy, but omg, it's been a hard couple of months (I know it's stupid, and worse things could totally happen to a person, way way way worse, oh god I do know, and I'm so grateful really), but still, I've been struggling to remain above water lately.
And none you ever, ever pointed out that obviously, in face of all possible disasters, this is nothing. Cause you knew I already knew that, and reminding me wasn't going to help anything.
Everyone was so kind in the face of my total breakdown over stupid personal shit.
Sorry if this is incredibly cheesy, but I am essentially breathless with thanks.
And I think one of the positives of a really bad betrayal is that you come to appreciate the people who are true.
so thanks. you are so appreciated.
AND.
final thank you,
(greg).
for continuing to take my calls and treat me like a true friend after what I did.
You have no idea how much that meant to me and I have no way to tell you.
(I'm writing this like I'm talking to you directly, but I'm sure many of those named don't bother with reading this nonsense.)
k. night. thanks.
Thursday, March 12, 2009
Sunday, March 1, 2009
love & gratitude & footstools & plastic deer & pink vintage suits
This weekend. Was really great. Not that weekends should mean anything to be because I'm still unemployed, and they usually don't really, but I decided in advance that I need something right now in terms of pleasure, and that I was going to have a weekend, and then everything actually worked out that way, I don't know, I spend too much time alone worrying, I need a change, at least occasionally.
(this is going to be a really boring post of what I did this weekend that no one but me could ever possibly care about, just warning you)
So friday morning I woke up after sort of an important night with s. and was having a pleasant rainy day doing laundry and reading a lot, and was so happy with the warm rainy foggy weather, and was ok with a night at home but then b. called with the free sarah vowell tickets, and really all day I'd been kind of sad that I was missing that, so I was both excited to go, plus I am always kind of overly excited and humbled when people remember me or offer things to me or are especially kind to me, and it's not even like this is that rare, it's more that I never feel like I deserve it, or understand on some level why people care about me. I know, I have weird high/low self esteem.
So friday night was great, then saturday it was a kind of a beautiful day at least for the last day of February in new england anyway, very sunny and reasonably not freezing, and I got up and drove to noho and bought the world's largest scone (strawberry & walnut) from the haymarket and ate it on the steps of the church on main street in the sun writing in my journal for the first time since fall and had that awesome conversation with ali and went to the art supply store and was greeted so pleasantly by friends and then had a truly wonderful trip to savers with b. and s. and spent more than three hours there and had so much fun and acquired a footstool that randomly matches all my furniture and a bag full of plastic forest creatures and a truly awe-inspiring hot pink vintage suit and really enjoyed spending good thrift store time with people with excellent taste and came home and s. came over and I made thai beef curry and we had a really nice night. And my dreams were weird and intense but it was still really nice waking up in his arms.
I think I'm happy. And in terms of my recent past, I realized while driving my car this morning that NOT being unhealthily attached to a person in a super intense obsessive way does not mean that I don't like them, and I should stop comparing this to that other thing because it's really pretty great as it is.
Then today, sunday, I had a very lovely morning here with s. and then picked up r. and went to that opening (can't talk about that yet) and then we had lunch and had good art conversation and I'm really excited about the art project but I managed to get myself in a weird, sad mood on my drive home and it was hard to shake it.
My itunes shuffle keeps playing classic pavement in droves and it's very very nice. And wilco. Nice and relaxing and pleasant for a sunday night, especially since doing my required daily food painting rather cured my stupid depressive tendency to dwell on stuff and waste time.
Again, thanks art. I don't know what I'd do without you.
(this is going to be a really boring post of what I did this weekend that no one but me could ever possibly care about, just warning you)
So friday morning I woke up after sort of an important night with s. and was having a pleasant rainy day doing laundry and reading a lot, and was so happy with the warm rainy foggy weather, and was ok with a night at home but then b. called with the free sarah vowell tickets, and really all day I'd been kind of sad that I was missing that, so I was both excited to go, plus I am always kind of overly excited and humbled when people remember me or offer things to me or are especially kind to me, and it's not even like this is that rare, it's more that I never feel like I deserve it, or understand on some level why people care about me. I know, I have weird high/low self esteem.
So friday night was great, then saturday it was a kind of a beautiful day at least for the last day of February in new england anyway, very sunny and reasonably not freezing, and I got up and drove to noho and bought the world's largest scone (strawberry & walnut) from the haymarket and ate it on the steps of the church on main street in the sun writing in my journal for the first time since fall and had that awesome conversation with ali and went to the art supply store and was greeted so pleasantly by friends and then had a truly wonderful trip to savers with b. and s. and spent more than three hours there and had so much fun and acquired a footstool that randomly matches all my furniture and a bag full of plastic forest creatures and a truly awe-inspiring hot pink vintage suit and really enjoyed spending good thrift store time with people with excellent taste and came home and s. came over and I made thai beef curry and we had a really nice night. And my dreams were weird and intense but it was still really nice waking up in his arms.
I think I'm happy. And in terms of my recent past, I realized while driving my car this morning that NOT being unhealthily attached to a person in a super intense obsessive way does not mean that I don't like them, and I should stop comparing this to that other thing because it's really pretty great as it is.
Then today, sunday, I had a very lovely morning here with s. and then picked up r. and went to that opening (can't talk about that yet) and then we had lunch and had good art conversation and I'm really excited about the art project but I managed to get myself in a weird, sad mood on my drive home and it was hard to shake it.
My itunes shuffle keeps playing classic pavement in droves and it's very very nice. And wilco. Nice and relaxing and pleasant for a sunday night, especially since doing my required daily food painting rather cured my stupid depressive tendency to dwell on stuff and waste time.
Again, thanks art. I don't know what I'd do without you.
Art Project
I had a really, really nice weekend, but ended with a rather ambivalent sunday night. I got melancholy for a while, for no reason at all...just starting to come out of it. through art. weirdly.
Thank jesus for this collaborative art project with r. (more on the details of this later), I really do need more concrete things to do.
And I hadn't realized how much I miss just painting, with actual brushes and paint, etc.
I really like all the parts this project has...my regular journal/sketchbook, my new food journal, my food porn facebook album, my daily paintings of everything I eat, my facebook album of those pictures, my notes in my regular journal about the project, my official journal of the project, this blog of course I think there will be more,
I wish it was tomorrow so I can eat and draw more things.
I like carrying around all these various notebooks. I feel busy and important. And it doesn't matter what anyone else thinks about what I'm doing as long as it feels that way to me. I like having my bag full of pens and glue and words and images.
But I was not in a good mood at all. Just sitting around and staring at things and tormenting myself with my thoughts.
I was really kind of frozen into inactivity, but then r. called, and reminded me about the project, and a tiny part of my brain woke up.
I HAVE to do this one food painting everyday, so I did it, and I liked what I did, and now I'm not in such as bad place. Hmm.
In terms of things in my life I am grateful for, this is way up there.
Thank jesus for this collaborative art project with r. (more on the details of this later), I really do need more concrete things to do.
And I hadn't realized how much I miss just painting, with actual brushes and paint, etc.
I really like all the parts this project has...my regular journal/sketchbook, my new food journal, my food porn facebook album, my daily paintings of everything I eat, my facebook album of those pictures, my notes in my regular journal about the project, my official journal of the project, this blog of course I think there will be more,
I wish it was tomorrow so I can eat and draw more things.
I like carrying around all these various notebooks. I feel busy and important. And it doesn't matter what anyone else thinks about what I'm doing as long as it feels that way to me. I like having my bag full of pens and glue and words and images.
But I was not in a good mood at all. Just sitting around and staring at things and tormenting myself with my thoughts.
I was really kind of frozen into inactivity, but then r. called, and reminded me about the project, and a tiny part of my brain woke up.
I HAVE to do this one food painting everyday, so I did it, and I liked what I did, and now I'm not in such as bad place. Hmm.
In terms of things in my life I am grateful for, this is way up there.
Wednesday, February 25, 2009
deadline
I'm giving myself until spring to get over this, then I need to move on. And by "spring" I mean the official spring solstice, in many ways the holiest day of the year, and by "this" I mean I need to let go of a whole lot of anger and resentment and regret and everything to do with the whole foods saga.
I was suspended just days after the winter solstice, and fired the day before new years eve, so if this ends on the first day of spring, this will have been one complete season of my life.
And winter is traditionally the season of death and rebirth...which is what this winter has been for me, absolutely.
So it will be quite fitting if this period in my life takes exactly one season.
And my relationship with emerson fitted neatly into one season, fall, so that works too.
Fall has always been my favorite season, and so many parts of that relationship were pure pleasure, even though it ended badly. And I started dating him just days before my 30th birthday, and my birthday is always an important day for me.
And 30 should have ended my saturn return, I believe.
But spring. Spring will be something new.
I've really been working on myself this winter, seeing myself through something very dark born out of my own heart.
Come spring, I'm going to be ready for gardens, for sunshine, for dancing, for art, and for trust again, maybe.
Winter 2008-2009 I think I will always remember as the time I really got to know myself. Was always alone with myself. And it was scary and I cried a lot and always woke up in a panic, but look, now I sleep through the night again. I've accepted a lot of things. I've learned how to be grateful, that none of this is by any means the end of the world. That I am so so so thankful that this is the worst I've had to deal with, really I'm very lucky.
I've lost a lot of friends, but the ones I still have, are amazing. awe-inspiring. my family is amazing and awe-inspiring.
Spring is going to bring a lot more art work.
I still wake up thinking about him every single fucking day. Three more weeks, then that has to stop.
I think on the first day of spring I need to perform some sort of ritual. I don't know what yet, but I either need to set a bunch of things on fire or throw things off a cliff into the ocean.
When I got divorced almost three years ago a lot of people told me I needed to take the time to deal with it, even if it was hard, and I didn't.
I'm doing it now.
And I'm going to be at least a reasonably functional version of liz again, soon.
I was suspended just days after the winter solstice, and fired the day before new years eve, so if this ends on the first day of spring, this will have been one complete season of my life.
And winter is traditionally the season of death and rebirth...which is what this winter has been for me, absolutely.
So it will be quite fitting if this period in my life takes exactly one season.
And my relationship with emerson fitted neatly into one season, fall, so that works too.
Fall has always been my favorite season, and so many parts of that relationship were pure pleasure, even though it ended badly. And I started dating him just days before my 30th birthday, and my birthday is always an important day for me.
And 30 should have ended my saturn return, I believe.
But spring. Spring will be something new.
I've really been working on myself this winter, seeing myself through something very dark born out of my own heart.
Come spring, I'm going to be ready for gardens, for sunshine, for dancing, for art, and for trust again, maybe.
Winter 2008-2009 I think I will always remember as the time I really got to know myself. Was always alone with myself. And it was scary and I cried a lot and always woke up in a panic, but look, now I sleep through the night again. I've accepted a lot of things. I've learned how to be grateful, that none of this is by any means the end of the world. That I am so so so thankful that this is the worst I've had to deal with, really I'm very lucky.
I've lost a lot of friends, but the ones I still have, are amazing. awe-inspiring. my family is amazing and awe-inspiring.
Spring is going to bring a lot more art work.
I still wake up thinking about him every single fucking day. Three more weeks, then that has to stop.
I think on the first day of spring I need to perform some sort of ritual. I don't know what yet, but I either need to set a bunch of things on fire or throw things off a cliff into the ocean.
When I got divorced almost three years ago a lot of people told me I needed to take the time to deal with it, even if it was hard, and I didn't.
I'm doing it now.
And I'm going to be at least a reasonably functional version of liz again, soon.
Sunday, February 15, 2009
What I've gotten out of this so far.
One thing. I know that right now I'm stronger than I've ever been. Because I don't really feel like I need anyone else. Because I've accepted all kinds of loss and let it go. Because I now one hundred percent totally understand the great pleasure in coming home alone to my own apartment and my cat and a book and my thoughts.
When burns left I partied all the time until I ended up in another committed long term relationship.
I was always surrounded by people, and then I met greg, and then I did that...
This time I lost mostly everyone, so I couldn't do that.
I have never in my life enjoyed my own company so much nor cared so little what other people thought.
This is been a weird hard up and down journey that I think I really needed however much it has sucks.
And today at the co-op they were stocking the seed display, and I thought, it's really almost spring.
I've almost survived this winter, with heart and mind somewhat intact. enough to work with.
If you'd asked me what the odds of that were on december 31, 2008, I wouldn't have been so sure.
But I did it.
The song I was just thinking reminded me of this whole thing just randomly came on itunes shuffle.
WEIRD WEIRD WEIRD.
Rilo Kiley, "A Better Son/Daughter."
I was just thinking of quoting it, and here it is.
Because I am going to come out of this better stronger smarter more grownup a better friend a better daughter etc.
"And I'll fight and I'll make it through and I'll fake it if I have to."
So in some ways he gave me a lot of freedom. Now if I could just find a job...
When burns left I partied all the time until I ended up in another committed long term relationship.
I was always surrounded by people, and then I met greg, and then I did that...
This time I lost mostly everyone, so I couldn't do that.
I have never in my life enjoyed my own company so much nor cared so little what other people thought.
This is been a weird hard up and down journey that I think I really needed however much it has sucks.
And today at the co-op they were stocking the seed display, and I thought, it's really almost spring.
I've almost survived this winter, with heart and mind somewhat intact. enough to work with.
If you'd asked me what the odds of that were on december 31, 2008, I wouldn't have been so sure.
But I did it.
The song I was just thinking reminded me of this whole thing just randomly came on itunes shuffle.
WEIRD WEIRD WEIRD.
Rilo Kiley, "A Better Son/Daughter."
I was just thinking of quoting it, and here it is.
Because I am going to come out of this better stronger smarter more grownup a better friend a better daughter etc.
"And I'll fight and I'll make it through and I'll fake it if I have to."
So in some ways he gave me a lot of freedom. Now if I could just find a job...
Friday, February 13, 2009
my valentines confession.
still totally miss him.
still shaking from seeing him tonight.
still don't believe he isn't still hurting too.
I know we were in the same place for at least a while.
For sure at least for six months we were in the same place together and didn't even know the other felt that way.
so what goes on in his head? how does he deal with what eventually happened? I wish he would tell me so I could deal with it too.
still standing over the kitchen sink alone eating pumpkin ice cream blankly, too sad to even cry, trying to get drunk enough so I can just cry already...
...cause this hurts worse than tears.
He just looked at me on the street tonight like I wasn't even there.
And less than four months ago he convinced me to give up everything because he thought we could be together forever.
Who is he? How did I trust him? When will I stop caring about the answers to these questions?
I would take him back in ten seconds. This totally sucks. Happy valentines day. fuck fuck fuck.
still shaking from seeing him tonight.
still don't believe he isn't still hurting too.
I know we were in the same place for at least a while.
For sure at least for six months we were in the same place together and didn't even know the other felt that way.
so what goes on in his head? how does he deal with what eventually happened? I wish he would tell me so I could deal with it too.
still standing over the kitchen sink alone eating pumpkin ice cream blankly, too sad to even cry, trying to get drunk enough so I can just cry already...
...cause this hurts worse than tears.
He just looked at me on the street tonight like I wasn't even there.
And less than four months ago he convinced me to give up everything because he thought we could be together forever.
Who is he? How did I trust him? When will I stop caring about the answers to these questions?
I would take him back in ten seconds. This totally sucks. Happy valentines day. fuck fuck fuck.
((tiny related thoughts))
I thought for a split second in the exhibit tonight that what I should be doing is being an eating disorder counselor for teenaged girls. I think I could do that.
Very well.
And maybe even help someone who might otherwise die. Like I almost did.
How do I even go about doing that?
(plus all this train of thought has huge relevance to my visual artwork that I can't even begin to deal with right now...but I'm aware of the connections...
...body image, celebrities, porn, britney, food, yeah I get it...or am trying too)
Very well.
And maybe even help someone who might otherwise die. Like I almost did.
How do I even go about doing that?
(plus all this train of thought has huge relevance to my visual artwork that I can't even begin to deal with right now...but I'm aware of the connections...
...body image, celebrities, porn, britney, food, yeah I get it...or am trying too)
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